trying to try
May 04, 2006, 8:15 P.M.

I'm really trying.

I did take a short snooze in my car at lunchtime yesterday and today (well, not so short today--I overslept my break by 15 minutes), but I'm successfully remaining awake until bedtime. I'm not sleeping away the better chunk of my evening.

And I'm attempting to get my fluid intake up to the proper levels again.

And I decided that if I'm going to take these damned pills, I'm going to stop forgetting them half the damned time. Who knows--probably that's why they don't seem to be doing me any good--I forget to take them Friday through Monday.

And I'm trying to be a more diligent diarist, because I think the dscipline is good for me.

I know my eating is still an issue (Entire perreroni pizza and a quart of ice cream? Yeah--check. Still out of control.) And I know I need to fix it. I just haven't figured out how yet. Meanwhile, I continue to pop zippers and split seams.

And staying awake is one thing--I need to figure out how to feel like doing something. I don't feel motivated to clean or improve my surroundings, I'm not feeling at all creative right now, and TV, movies, and books bore me after a few minutes. Even my computer games and Web addiction feel flat and tedious. Feeling like this is one of reasons the pillow/blanket/oblivion route holds such attraction. When I am awake, I feel like I'm just marking time until I don't have to be awake anymore. And to extrapolate--until I don't have to be alive anymore.
*****
You know what would be really funny, if it wasn't extremely annoying and a little sad? The fact that I just about dozed off at my keyboard while writing the preceeding paragraph.

Anyway--I don't know what to do. Same old song. But I don't feel I can afford therapy, and I don't think I'd be particularly honest and forthcoming if I did take it up.

I feel like drugs are only one piece of the puzzle. I don't know what the other pieces are. But I'm trying to find them.
Towards that end, I am finding it necessary to resort to....self-help books.

I stopped by the library on the way home today and picked up "Feeling Good : The New Mood Therapy" by David Burns, and "Good Mood: The New Psychology of Overcoming Depression", by Julian L. Simon. Plus a couple of others.

We'll see.

I got a really weird vibe from her ex-husband. And from her, when she spoke of him...I can't put my finger on it, but it seemed like he was just really weird under his surface demeanor of "hella-nice guy".

And although it isn't really expressed, it seemed like her parents were not really supportive of her athletic career. She mentions her mother poo-pooing her ambitions, and when she talks about the Bobby Riggs match, she mentions her parents were there, and what a very rare thing that was, for her parents to come to see tennis.

I found that very sad. And maybe that explained Larry, a little. Because he was pretty supportive of her tennis. Maybe that's what she got from him, and why she didn't end it sooner. (And, of course there is this--if you're in the closet, it doesn't hurt to have a handsome and virile blonde door on it.)

She strikes me as a pretty happy lady these days. Which is cool. She deserves that. She worked her ass off in the sixties and seventies to advance the cause of women in and out of sports.

And I guess the one thing I learned from the show was that even though it looked like she had her shit together and then some back then, she felt just as effed up as everyone else. And that didn't stop her from achieving a phenomenal amount on and off the court. She's still one of my heroes.