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no time for me
July 11, 2019, 8:15 P.M.
I have no time to myself and it is effing killing me. Work is this ever-increasing vortex that is sucking away my energy, my self-esteem, my enthusiasm, my ability to sleep, and my peace of mind. Spouse's hours leave me with no time to decompress after horrific days that are book-ended by horrific commutes. For a while, I was getting just enough time after I got home at night to take care of the dog, change my clothes, and sit my ass down JUST as he walked in the door. But lately, he has been getting home BEFORE me, so I literally don't get a fucking minute of peace and quiet.
We got the pool more or less open. It needs a hell of a vacuuming. I haven't been in it yet, and y'know what?, I don't even care about it anymore. No time to enjoy it. If I did get some time, it's bound to be all used up in maintenance, and again--just as I get all the responsibilities discharged and it's time to relax and enjoy life? Bam. Fun time's over!
My life is so stinking SMALL. I can't even remember the last time I had any fun. It's work and drive and shop and do chores and wash clothes and do yard work and take care of the dog and cook meals and when I'm not doing all that, I am too tired and my brain is too fucked for me to do anything but sit and try and catch my breath. The time increments between those things are too small to be meaningful, anyway.
And I HURT. I fucked my right arm up Sunday doing yard work, and it's making me miserable.
I probably just pulled something, but the way it feels, I may have actually torn something. And when you suffer an injury that makes it agony to try and wipe your ass or bathe--well, that hits you where you live, you know?
And Spouse has now invited my cousin on our October vacation with us. My cousin whom I love, and enjoy, and who really deserves a good time...that is true. But DAMMIT! THAT SHIT IS NOT RESTFUL!
I put in for a few days off in August, just because there is housework that needs doing, and if I can have some hours without Spouse constantly in my face, maybe that will rest me a little. But if it gets approved, I'm not telling Spouse I have it until it's too late for him to screw me out of it by taking time himself.
I am going to skip the laundry list of shopping and cooking and chores and shit like that--frankly, I don't care and I doubt if anyone else does. I just needed to get a rant out. Blow off a little steam.
Friday addendum: By whatever miracle, I actually got some decent sleep last night. (Maybe the rant above helped?) And I made a point of doing some pen maintenance last night, and stopping to visit a friend after work today. That did us both some good, I think. So I feel slightly better today.
Reading: The "Miss Billy" trilogy by Eleanor H. Porter. I read these several years ago, and obviously enough time had elapsed for me to totally forget how infuriating the characters are. An unending cavalcade of no communication, and bad communication, and bad judgement, and people jumping to hideously wrong conclusions, etc. I stuck it out to the end, but CLUCKING BELL, are these people suffering from stupidity, low self-esteem, lack of confidence, and obsessive-compulsive issues. Except for Kate. Kate only suffers from stupidity, but she makes up for it by saying exactly whatever the hell triggers them to all the other characters. GAH!.
Listening: Stone Temple Pilots, Garbage, Hole, Semisonic
Inked Up: No changes since way back last month (so far, but the Javelin and the Studio are empty at the moment)--Sheaffer Javelin medium, with Mont Blanc Burgundy. Lamy Studio LH nib, with Lamy Bronze (sample from Goulet, and it's more of a bright orange). The Conklin Duragraph fine, with Pelikan 4001 Brilliant Brown. Online Slope "fine" (really a medium) with Online blue cartridge.
UPDATE: The Javelin and the Studio have been cleaned, and replaced by the Waterman Kultur cobalt blue (fine) with Iroshizuku Kon-Peki and the Pilot Metropolitan Purple Leopard (fine) with R&K Solferino.
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