|
navigation
current
archives
links page
profile
|
|
awkward
April 26, 2013, 9:34 P.M.
It feels awkward to be writing these weirdly erratic updates--my OCD brain wants to to be
utterly complete in reporting all the details of my mundane existence, and my menopausal,
hypothyroid, dysthymic memory cannot recall them.
Maybe I'm just played out--as of this week, I have been at this Diaryland thing for NINE YEARS. I know, right?
Anyway. Bathroom: at this point all the old nastiness has been hauled out and taken to the
dump, we have a sub-floor, a toilet, a newly plumbed, insulated and installed bathtub and
shower surround, an exhaust fan (more on that later) new wall switches...and an electrical
outlet. SQUEEEE!!! Also--I decided to spring for the $64, and went ahead and custom
ordered a shade for the window...and then Spouse decided we should install a new window.
It is going to be the same size, though, so I am hoping with fingers x'ed that the shade will
fit.
Still to go: new HVAC duct (was going to go in the ceiling, but P changed his mind and is
putting it in the floor), the new window, the shower door, vinyl flooring, sink/vanity/faucet
installation, drywall/panelling/paint/switch cover on the walls, re-mirroring and painting the
medicine cabinet, installing the new storage cupboard, new light fixture, towel holders, robe
hook, and TP holder, building the window cornice and installing the shade, and I haven't
even gone shopping for the rest of the accessories yet...
...see, now I've bummed myself out. Up till I wrote all that down, I really felt like we were
making progress. Now I feel like we will NEVER get done!
But we will. P is doing a really good job, his plumber buddy is doing a really good job, and we
will, in the end, have a bathroom that is quite the nicest room in the house.
I finally did it--I bought a scale. I have been looking for a while, and haven't been
super-happy with my results, so I decided to give the problem over to crowd-sourcing, and
order the one with the best rating and reviews on Amazon. I ended up with
this one.
4.8 out of 5 stars, and out of 5,834 reviews, 5076 of them were 5 stars. Tons of glowing
reviews, and even when people had issues, the outstanding customer service led them to
come back and edit their reviews. Seems good to me! So I ordered it, and I have to say that
so far, I love it. I tested it with my dumbbells, and it seems accurate--at least at low weight,
anyway. And it seems pretty close to the Dr.'s scale at work, too. I think the main thing
with a scale is to always use the same scale, so I am just going to use this one all the time and
stop weighing at work.
Spouse went to the Ravinia website at midnight Wednesday and got pavilion
tickets for Steely Dan (August 1) as soon as they went on sale. At $93.50 apiece, for the very
back of the pavilion, I thought they were a little pricey. (I got really good seats for Wicked for $87)
And because it's Ravinia, that was without all the usual Ticketmaster bullsh*t fees--straight ticket price. But it means we may actually catch a glimpse of the band, which ain't gonna happen with lawn seats. I could live
without it, but he loves it--they are the only band we go to see in concert anymore, and it
has become a tradition for us to see them when they tour. Plus he only discovered Ravinia a
couple years ago, so he still thinks it's the best thing ever to take the train right to the show.
So what the hell--make Spouse happy, right?
Speaking of the train, since the weather is supposed to be nice for a change, and since P isn't coming over to work on the bath till Sunday (a tiny bit not happy about that, actually), Spouse decided we should take the train down to the city on Saturday and go to the French Market. Again--doesn't do anything for me, but I have to pretend to be enthusiastic about it. Just another thing encroaching on my weekend time and keeping me from getting stuff done that needs to be done.
That actually wouldn't be a problem if he was still pulling his weight around the house, but he has gradually drifted to a halt on the housework. And he's also blowing off other necessary stuff, like arranging for the lawn guy and the pool liner guy. At least Chase emails me when he pays a bill, so I know he's still taking care of the household accounts. But he has this ability to not see what needs to be done, to believe that clean laundry just appears magically in his drawers and dishes wash themselves...hell, it's less of an ability, and more of a freakin' superpower, really! Honestly, if he wanted to go off and have his fun by himself, I would welcome it. It would get him out of my hair and leave me with time to get my stuff and his stuff done. But on top of all the million-and-one items I have to deal with, he also sucks up huge chunks of my time (and energy) by demanding my presence.
The bottom line (JUST at the moment!) is: I don't want to spend time with him. And I cannot understand why he wants to spend time with someone who doesn't want to spend time with him! He's as oblivious about that as he is about the housework, I guess. (It's really hard to respect somebody that willfully blind and tone-deaf, y'know?)
But I approached him about it today, trying very hard to not be angry about it�just calmly bringing it to his attention. He was kind of sheepish�said he had just been giving himself a talking to about that, and before he left for work, he ran the vacuum around and helped me pick up a little. So maybe things will get a bit better in that department.
I wonder if I should going to the doctor about my depression. I don't think it is my thyroid this time. The other low-T symptoms aren't in evidence. But maybe it isn't depression either--maybe I'm just unhappy. I think we sometimes confuse the two, and believe that the existence of one is the direct cause of the other. But it is possible to hate your life without being mentally ill. I did the M3 questionaire, and even with fudging a little, I still scored a 54. But I don't like that screening tool, really. I don't think it is very accurate. And the results page is very inconsistent; one part says anything over a 33 is bad and that 54 is high risk, then you read down a bit and it says oh, you're fine right now. Well that's a big ole help, ain't it? And really--they put way too much emphasis on the thoughts of suicide question. Of course I "think about suicide"--it's how I lost my grandmother and my little brother! Doesn't mean I think about committing it--means I realize that is one thing I can NEVER do!
Doesn't take away from the fact that something is wrong. For one thing, when it's low-T, it's subtly different. I feel all of the awfulness of depression, but retain the urge to fix it. With straight depression, it is much harder. I don't have the will to deal with it, because I lack the capacity to care. And over and over again, it keeps coming back to slap me in the face--I just. don't. care. About anything. I can't be bothered to express a preference for dinner, I can't be roused to concern over being late to work, I can't work up empathy for victims of tragedy, or sympathy for a poor little puppy who needs a home. And I see myself NOT reacting to any of this stuff...and I don't care about that, either. Still, a part of my brain is observing all this and recommending I deal with it. Maybe the same part that realizes that all the time I'm feeling numb, I've also got tears in my eyes.
Reading: "Parnassus on Wheels" (1917), and its sequel "The Haunted Bookshop" (1919)--both by
Christopher Morley. I liked the first better than the second, because it was a POV story, and
because it was about a woman who runs away from home to become an itinerant bookseller! The Haunted Bookshop was a different type of book altogether, and the
narrator/protagonist of the first played a much smaller role in the second.
Also: a series by Grace S. Richmond, about a physician with the...unusual...name of �Redfield Pepper Burns�.
Red Pepper Burns" (1910), "Mrs. Red Pepper" (1910), "Red Pepper's Patients" (1918). I�m enjoying it more than I suspected I would; really, for GSR, the godbaggery is held to a minimum.
Listening: Josh Groban, Michael Ball, KT Tunstall, The Smiths, Albert King (The reason for that odd assortment is that seeing Josh Groban, Michael Ball, and KT Tunstall while watching episodes of "Never Mind The Buzzcocks" got me on a roll, plus Morrissey is playing Chicago this week and it was Albert King's birthday, so Bremer was playing them on XRT.)
At Random:
click
here
|
|