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a-layin' in my bed, a-wishin' I was dead...
February 28, 2012
I am not sure I can describe how I feel right now--diminished, I guess.
Like my life and my being and my ability to care about anything or anyone is just dwindling down to nothing. Like my engine is barely turning over, or a boat that is gradually just drifting to a stop.
Another go-round of the old "terminal lack of interest" that goes with a bout of depression.
And I know that the lack of sleep in the early morning hours is a huge part of it, as well. I just wake up--hot, cold, dry mouth, gotta pee, whatever--and there I am. Cannot get back to sleep. Two A.M., and...well, no. NOT wide awake. Sleepy as hell, but unable to cross over. Feeling like every time I am about to, something grabs me by the neck and jerks me back to consciousness. Or, if I do manage to doze off, I pull a stupid move WHILE asleep, like jerking up my blankets and managing to nail myself in the forehead in the process. I have a huge, scabby divot in my brow, courtesy of a rough thumbnail.
From the above, you can tell that I haven't been up to much lately. I really don't do anything but go to work, sit uselessly until it's time to go home, go home, and bide my time until the earliest possible moment I can go to bed. Shop and do laundry on weekends. I've been spending less and less time at things I used to enjoy, I can't keep my mind on my reading, I couldn't give two shits about the internet, tv, movies, news, or music, and my number one pastime seems to be wishing I was dead.
And I'm probably getting my period. Which always adds a flavorful dash of despair sauce to life.
One more thing--when you are feeling as I have outlined above, it probably isn't wise to try and read two
books at the same time. Especially if they are called "His Unknown Wife" and "The Imaginary Marriage".
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