rebuffed
February 07, 2012

Been feeling very rejected and alone lately. Life has been landing a few body blows, and I am getting those why bother blues again. You know the kind of thing, but here's a list of some of the recent punches I've taken: Spent money and time to bring food to the potluck...and ended up throwing it all away because no one ate it. Got excited about something you're involved in and wanted to share...posted the good news to the old FB page...no one read it...mentioned it in my online support group forums...and the mods took the post down because it violated a policy point.. Tried my best to be helpful and positive to people who ask for help...got hateful emails from them. Honestly tried to do a good job at work, only to have my diligence smothered by the indifference of the people in charge...leaving me overwhelmed by the utter pointlessness of my labor. Numerous times recently, I thought Spouse was listening to me...then he started talking about a completely different topic as I was in mid-sentence. I've searched in vain for a place of discourse that is FREE of the talk I find so insulting and annoying...there simply isn't one...I've realized that atheists talk more about gods and religion that the fundies do...that's ALL they do... Anyway. All this comes at me, and it has an effect. I can be very obtuse when it comes to recognizing my own behavior patterns, but one thing that has come to be easily spotted is the "why bother?" (a/k/a "what's the point?", "who cares?", and "oh, who gives a shit anyway?"). It's depression's lazy short-hand of negative self-talk. Example: When getting ready for work in the morning, the "why bother putting on earrings?" that goes through my mind is really short for: "Why bother putting on earrings just to sit chained to a desk and a phone all day? Nobody sees you, nobody cares, and you are just a fat, old, annoying woman that nobody can stand anyway." In fact, a "why bother?" can actually mean "why bother to go into detail about how much you suck--you know it anyway, and it's too much effort to go over it again." Result: pervasive disinterest, withdrawal, decreased communication, depression, misery, wanting to just die already. I try. I rationalize and write it out and think it out and I KNOW what the fuck is going on in my screwed up head but I CANNNOT MAKE IT STOP and I know that this fucking disease is going to get me in the end just like it got my little brother.