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busy little whispers
August 10, 2009
Super-sensitive today. Combination of things, I think. Always more sensitive when I�m raggy, for one thing. And Mondays are hard anyway, getting back to the poisonous environment at work. The bad lighting, the screamingly irritating ventilation system (a perfect storm of my noise, temperature, contact, and smell issues), the horrible, horrible manners of the co-workers, the vicious discomfort of my workstation & chair�and, of course, having to wear work shoes, bra, dental appliance, etc. after a couple of blessed days off can be such a physical hell.
Fighting depression, too�no way to keep denying it, I�m so funked I just want to curl up and go fetal. I�ve been trying to stay focused on the upcoming wedding, and doing nice things for�and TO�myself in preparation. But the damned whispers keep coming. Bought two dresses that I know are attractive, a good fit, and perfectly suitable, but the whispers tell me they are ugly and inappropriate, and besides, I�m far too fat to wear them and look presentable. Same with the shoes. All just a completely pointless endeavor. Dyed my hair. The whispers told me it looks ridiculous, and you can still see the grey, and wasn�t that just a waste of time and money? I haven�t even gotten my haircut or manicure-pedicure yet, and the whispers have already started in on those topics.
In fact, the whispers tell me, the whole wedding brouhaha is just so pointless. Nobody will care if I�m there, nobody will miss me if I�m not, and I�m not going to have fun anyway. It�s all so much work and strain and expense and inconvenience�why bother?
Trying to control the compulsion, as well�and those busy little whispers are right there, too. Like it�s not hard enough, in this food, size, and criticism obsessed world, to keep your mind off your compulsion�I�ve got the internal chorus of negativity rolling through my brain all the time, harping on the essential pointlessness, hopelessness, and downright insanity of even trying.
And speaking of making it even harder--
Hello, Office? All those �helpful� posters and articles and emails and websites and contests and challenges you keep forcing on me? You know�the ones about �healthy eating�?
NOT F�ING HELPING.
I believe in my heart that it is a reasonable expectation that I be able to spend at least a couple of hours a day at my work, uninterrupted by reminders of food. (I mean, it�s an office, right? It�s not like I work in a restaurant.) Unfortunately, it is also an unmet expectation, as the food reminders NEVER STOP. Posters by the elevator. Articles on the internal website. Propaganda in my inbox. Co-workers all around me eating both breakfast and lunch at their desks. A steady stream of �food days� to celebrate birthdays. The extremely unfortunate location of my department, directly over the cafeteria. Yadda, yadda, and yadda. That�s quite a tide to have to go wading against every day. Very tiring.
Yeah, here I am again with my litany of office woes, right? All the standards I have that my co-workers and employers fail to meet. But writing all this down helps me. It reminds me that there are still some things in this world with a point to them. After all, it they don�t have a point, why do I get worked up? And if there are still things in this world that have a point, and are worth getting worked up over�
Then the whispers are wrong.
Reading: "Death of a Peer", by Ngaio Marsh.
Surfing: Not in the mood.
Listening: NPR
At Random: click here
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