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fed to the teeth and then some
June 30, 2008
Spouse was supposed to be out of town this weekend, on a combination fishing an casino trip with a couple of guys from work. But following our enormous fight on Thursday (and completely contrary to my wishes), he cancelled it. So on top of having to make baked beans and pasta salad and go to a combination-doll-wedding-and-birthday-party and clean house and do the shopping and wash clothes�I had to do it all by the long way around: under, over, and through HIM.
All I�m going to say about the fight is this: He did something wrong, and I caught it. I gave him well-deserved Hell, he attempted to defend the indefensible, and he (barely) apologized. We have called a truce, I�m still mad, and likely to be so for quite a while.
I would have LOVED it if he hadn�t been around this weekend, but unfortunately, he either badly misread the situation and decided I really wanted him to stay home, or he read it right--but decided to punish me for calling him on his bullshit by forcing his presence on me.
I�m assuming the latter. He�s pretty good at turning himself into the injured party, even when he�s been the cause of the problem.
In further meddling by the asshole who wasn�t supposed to be there this weekend�
After me spending the better part of the week doing all the pool maintenance, and doing a damn good job of it, Mr. Heavy-Handed decided it was time to take those duties back. You know�since they were already mostly done and paid for and all.
So instead of waiting for me to finish fine-tuning the chemical correction of the water, thus clearing up the cloudiness the sensible, affordable, and correct way�old �better living thru chemistry� decides to:
A) Buy a $20.00 container of �water clarifier� to add to the pool.
B) Totally ignore the instructions on water clarifier, resulting in:
C) Adding TWICE AS MUCH of said chemical as is specified for a pool our size,
D) Adding NONE of the OTHER TWO CHEMICALS specified as required for use with the water clarifier, and
E) TURNING MY POOL WATER SHIT BROWN.
So, except for 20 minutes between rain showers on Friday afternoon, I got to do no swimming at all this weekend, because it took the whole weekend to get the issues he caused fixed.
So my feelings for him are only getting more charged with resentment. Not good. Worse?
Remember how I was all happy that there was a Sunday night drama worth watching again? Yeah, well. He found some terribly offensive �guy� show on Spike that he just HAS to start watching. Guess when it�s on?
And since he�s managed to unhook every television and vcr in the house save one, I�m screwed again.
Even worse?
He�s on the day shift this week. I�ll have to put up with the one-two punch of no �me� time and his presence for the entire week, up to and including a three-day holiday weekend.
Would that I am granted the strength to survive it. You know what? I�m not even going to pretend anymore. I not only don�t love him anymore, I just plain hate him. And if I didn�t live in an utterly fucked up state where you can leech off a woman for 20 years and then end up with the house, alimony and half of her retirement fund, I�d divorce him.
There it is.
The doll-wedding thing was as strange and off-putting as I had feared it would be, although the doll owners that were present seemed to be pretty nice people otherwise. But I didn�t enjoy playing with dolls as a child, and frankly, it creeps me right out to see a bunch of grown women doing it. And it isn�t just dressing and posing them�they have little characters and stories that they act out. Not my bag at all.
But it wasn�t a total nightmare. We played a few wedding-shower type games, which were fun. The food was good, and I mostly hung with W, who is a bit less into it all than T. T really liked the Aromatherapy book and essential oils starter kit I got her for a birthday present, too.
I stayed from about 12:15 to 5:00. They were just getting more and more into the doll stuff, and I have problems with my hearing in group situations�and problems with group situations in general. So my head started to throb, and I knew it was time to leave.
I would have been more than happy to just go home and crash�I certainly wasn�t hungry, and I was so tired and headachy that I couldn�t focus my eyes. Not to be.
Spouse decided he wanted us to pick up Nephew and go all the way out to Lake Geneva to eat dinner. (Nephew�s maternal aunt and uncle just bought a bar & restaurant out there.) I would have flat-out refused, except I really wanted to see Nephew and hear about his trip to Puerto Rico. So I agreed. And it was fun. Got to see a bunch of people I know (and like), ate a very nice prime rib dinner, and got to spend a little time with Niece and Nephew.
I wasn�t worth a shit come Sunday, though. I just can�t spend an entire day going from crowd (grocery store) to crowd (party) to crowd (bar). I ended up having to spend the entire afternoon in bed yesterday.
I posted the following comment on Elastic Waist, in response to Weetabix's question "Body Insecurity: What's it Keeping You From Doing?"
I'm getting to the point where my age and mental health are bigger barriers than the weight. The hurtful attitudes of others, whether from they stem from prejudice or cluelessness, are more than I'm prepared to deal with, and I find myself retreating from any social situation where I have to deal with large groups of people.
I feel like I need to marshal my energy and emotional strength, and can't afford to squander it by fighting off the negativity of people I don't know, and probably wouldn't like if I did.
Judging from my reactions, recent posts and comments I've written, I need to put myself on a watch list. This is why writing is invaluable--it gives me a way to step outside of me and look myself up and down. And what I'm seeing is someone who is teetering on the border of depressed, and needs to be doing her positive self-care checklist:
- drink plenty of water
- vitamins
- lean protein, fresh fruits and veggies
- moderate exercise
- increased light exposure
- stress-reduction techniques
I hereby swear to try harder.
Reading: "Leaving the Saints--How I Lost the Mormons and Found My Faith", by Martha Beck. Beck's odyssey out of Mormonism.
Surfing: Solutions to pool issues. I think we�re hitting the infamous �3-year wall� with Baquacil.
Listening: Haven't the patience.
At Random: click here
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