feeeeeeelings, woh-oh-oh...
Saturday, Aug. 28, 2004, 6:20 PM

Well, how do I feel?

Upset, scared, very worried, and desperately overtaxed.

And in the middle of feeling scared, about his life, his health, my health, our future, and my job...I want him to go away.

You see, I love him, but he has this tendency to cling. Especially if he is feeling vulnerable, like now. But it is deeper than that. Whenever I even hint at taking care of myself--losing weight, taking a class, even getting my frickin' teeth fixed...he has somekind of mental or physical meltdown that re-directs all the attention back to him, and uses up all my time, resources, and energy. So I can never put myself first, even for the length of time it takes to change my fucking tampon.

So I feel angry and resentful, too.

He needs to realize that if he doesn't allow me the minimum of time I need for self-maintenance, I am not going to be here to be his slave anymore. Either because I am dead, or because I just couldn't take it anymore.

When I find it impossible, for nearly three days, to even get a minute to write in my diary...it's too much. This is what people mean when they say "I need my space". And it isn't selfish. It is survival.