and then, depression set in...
2004-07-12, 6:22 p.m.

I'm getting to a crisis point at work. I can barely stand to be there, and I don't get much done when I am there. Every day I go in, and I get nothing done. Sometimes it is because of others, but I have to be honest and admit that a lot of the time it is me. I just can't concentrate and buckle down and do this shit anymore; it bores me into a stupor and I hate it.

My sweetie is in Tennessee, and I am feeling at loose ends, I'm afraid. One of those times when I completely lack focus. I'm seriously considering making an appointment with my doctor for this anxiety thing. I worry constantly lately, about every little thing. It is exhausting. I get headaches, intestinal issues, and sleep problems from it. It gnaws at me.

I worry about big stuff, I worry about little stuff, and pretty soon I can't distinguish big from little anymore. Everything eats at me. The smallest thing seems like it is a big huge blade over my head, or too much trouble to even deal with. I don't know what to do, but I Know I have to do something.

The worst part isn't how flat I feel about bad stuff. It is how flat I feel about good stuff. Everything makes me feel the same, but even that is weighted toward the bad side. I don't even know if this is making sense. And it is starting to be too much to think about.

I may as well stop for now. I don't feel much like writing anyway.