blog bonanza
2004-06-18, 6:33 a.m.

Holy crap...it feels like I won the lottery. After a dreadful draught, yesterday brought new posts from Lore, Pound, Mimi, Weet, and Chris--all on the same day. Must have been some weird, pro-blogging meteorological activity. Plus, extra Lileks this morning! That is never a bad thing. Great piece on Fargo, and growing up there.

As for this thing I'm doing here, I don't know. It feels like a laundry list, relating boring minutia. The intimate details of a lifeless drone. Even I don't want to read it, and I lived it. But I keep beating the rocks together and hoping for an occasional spark.

These lesser depressions are starting to take over my life. The constant back-burner anxiety, always simmering and never boiling over. The feeling of generalized dread that makes me fear ringing phones, doorbells, and the clank of the mailbox flap. I really long for my youth at this point. I miss the focused and productive highs and the wretched lows where I could cry and cry. I actually felt less crazy back then. This flat, distant feeling is not the total of what I feel--just what dominates. So I have the disconcerting feeling of wanting to shake myself and yell "snap out of it!". But I can't quite overpower the inertia. This is a particularly insidious disease, this depression. The disease that by its very nature prevents you from getting help. If seeking help seems like an insurmountable mountain of effort, then help is exactly what you need. But given the that particular symptom, are you likely to get it?