audible edibles
2004-05-21, 8:31 a.m.

A Brief Screed

When exactly did it become socially acceptable to eat at one's desk?

More to the point, when did it become socially acceptable to slurp, slop, beat one's flatware against teeth and plate, and generally behave as though one was a hog at the trough?

I was raised by an aggressively correct parent who never permitted any level of noise when we ate. We chewed silently, we swallowed silently, our knives and forks were never permitted to scrape across the plate. To drop one's utensil onto a dish with an audible clatter was considered the height of bad manners. If one of us had the ill luck to bite our fork or spoon, we were punished. As a result, we all became polite diners. But there was a side effect for me. I will forever writhe in agony when exposed to noisy eaters.

Now, factor in these tidbits: I hate even the thought of food before 9 or 10 in the morning and the smell of eggs at almost any time. (Just thinking about this enough to write my peeve down is nauseating me right now.)

I work in the typical open-plan, veal pen atmosphere common in business today.

I am surrounded by people who are overworked and find it necessary to combine meals with their work schedule.

They are all pigs.

End result? I would really appreciate death right now. A nice, quiet death.