facing facts
September 21, 2005, 8:51 P.M.
The doughnuts that someone brought to work today were the kind of good that only 1% of doughnuts ever achieve (KKs are have a category of their own), so I succumbed to their lard and sugar siren song.
Oh, who am I trying to kid? I'm feeling very out of control. Bingeing, or at least coming very close to it. I don't purge, just binge. So I need to figure out how I'm going to get my control back. I'm a damned addict. And I'm not stupid. So why do I tell myself the same sorry story that addict always use? And--oooh, for dumb--believe it?!
Just one...one won't hurt...
One doughnut becomes three, and then I have a couple dozen Club crackers, and I eat two cheeseburgers and a huge helping of potatoes, and chocolate cake, and this is how it frigging works, you moron!! Shovel in a little more! If you don't pick up the pace, you'll never manage to eat yourself to death before you're fifty!
Food is an evil thing to be addicted to. If you never again in your life consume alcohol or recreational drugs, you can become healthy and your life can be better. Try that with food. When eating can kill you, and NOT eating can kill you, what then?
I have never been one to find solace or strength in religion. I can't bring myself to accept the higher power concept...it smacks of laziness and weakness. And while I do believe in the traditional Judeo-Christian concept of a god, I have always been conditioned that "God helps them who help themselves", and that you do not bother "Him" with your petty problems. He gave you a brain, and free will, so say thank you, and use it.It is so hard, though. Given the nature of my belief, twelve-stepping my way out of obesity, depression, and an eating disorder is not really an option. Getting control by ceding control strikes me as absurd, and "one day at a time" swings both ways, anyway. I've excused a million binges by embracing the idea of starting fresh tomorrow.
But where do you turn if that's the case? I only wish I knew.
Ugh. Enough. On to more pleasant topics. Let's see--what do we have to choose from? There's the fact that we have a whacked out programmer at work who is trying to convince the powers that be that his shit enhancements are shit because of vendors, and of my department, and the business requirements, and pretty much anyone else he can think of who isn't him. Or the lovely memo we got from the CEO today, letting us know that the health insurance rate will be majorly jacked for 2006.
Or the fact that I am nearly as financially bad off, today, as I was ten years ago. When I worked for fucking Wal-Mart!
Well. So much for that idea.
THE DEPARTMENT OF INTERNET ODDITIES:The �E� stands for Eeeewwww!
In my E-mail today--
From: Fruit Basket�����Subject: Looking for a special treat? Fruit baskets are special anytime.
Uhh, yeah. And do you have teabags, too? Maybe a nice tossed salad?
GYM REPORT:31 minutes
1.75 miles
224 calories
Reading: "The Fifties: A Women�s Oral History", by Brett Harvey
Listening:XM Radio, �Squizz�. White Zombie, Staind, Killswitch Engage
Beading: Currently Inactive
One Year Ago, I was down a size!
At Random: click here