back to the wall
December 20, 2012, 7:53 P.M.

I am utterly at sea. I have no resources to cope with anything. Let alone everything. the following things are tearing me up right now:

1. parent issues: my mom is reacting to "this thing", as she calls it, by going into full on evil freakout bitch mode, thereby destroying the relationship we've spent all these years trying to repair and turning me back into a helpless, quivering, terrified, abused 12-year-old. All the old shit is churning up to the top and I cannot deal.

2. health issues: aside from the near-suicidal depression that I have been dealing with since Uncle died, and the ongoing Hashimoto's issues that keep me from having any energy at all, there is the additional stress from this current crop of utter hellishness. Which manifests as the entire gamut of gastrointestinal malfunctions from heartburn to diarrhea. Plus I have teeth that need fixing and I had to cancel my December 28th appointment to get it done, which means that I will not only have to live with the pain, but that if I ever do get it done, it will put me into a new deductible year and cost me more.

3. parent's health issues: my mother has pancreatic cancer, she is going to have surgery on the 28th that I think is a mistake, because it is either gonna kill her immediately or kill her slowly and painfully over a short period of time right after she has it. She will be in bed for the rest of her life, and she cannot process it in any other way than "this is gonna fix me and I will be all better." She won't take the lead on directing her own healthcare, she doesn't understand that it isn't going to be done for her by the medical professionals, she won't let any other family member do it, and she only hears what she want to hear (none of which is truth).

4. extended family issues: I barely speak to my brothers or their wives, I prefer it that way and I believe they do as well. But mom's illness has thrown all that into turmoil, too, forcing contact and reminding me of exactly why I avoid them (They are in heavy denial about Mom's condition and they like to stay that way). Even if it hadn't blown up because of Mom, though--this is the one time of year that has continued to be a contentious situation. As in, "we are all too busy and financially strapped to go anywhere for Christmas so we are just gonna sit on our asses in Iowa and expect you to come to 250 miles to see US (make sure you get a hotel, though, because you aren't welcome to stay at our house). And we will try to guilt you into it. And judge you harshly when we fail to do so."

5. work issues: All hell has broken loose at work and I came back from a sick day (see stress-related health issues above) last week to find out that my project of the last two and a half years has been basically shelved till 2014, I am being farmed out to a company subsidiary to clean up the utter fudge they've made of their side of the project, and I will be expected to make repeated, extended solo trips to Shithole, PA (Home of the "Amish Mafia"!) in the dead of winter. All while my mom is dying of a horrible disease. This is after they gave me a shit review for 2012. And please keep in mind that this is the company that expects you to front all the travel money and then get paid back at their pace.

It has become evident that there is nothing left of the company as it was when I started here 17 years ago, and damn, I want to get out as much as they seem to want me out. But where the fuck am I gonna go? When I live in Depression Ghetto, fat and 49 and no college degree, how am I going to find another breadwinner job?

6. house issues: if the plumbing leaks and the black mold and the peeling paint and the cracked walls and the siding falling off the gables and the worn out roof don't get addressed soon, this house is going to be condemned.

7. car issues: no heat. Estimate was $1000.00 to fix--on a $4000.00 car. So we called Daddy, and were able to get his mechanic to look at it. He fixed the trouble for $250.00. But of course, doing it that way means two separate two-hundred-mile round trips to take it there and pick it up, plus getting and driving a loaner from Dad in-between. And for each two-hundred-mile round trip, you are losing an entire day where you can get nothing else done.

8. spouse issues: All this is going on. And what it means is that I am not the stable, reliable, strong, available person I need to be for him to be happy. So he isn't happy. And he is letting me know that. very clearly.

9. seasonal issues: It's Shitmas. And even in the absence of all of the above, it is not a good time for me, I do not handle it well. I have certain rituals that give me moderate enjoyment and the ability to look like I am playing along, but this year's crushing problems are making those impossible: only time for about a third of my normal baking, no time at all to do cards, it took me two weeks to get the decorations up and it is basically hanging two things on a wall! (And don't tell Auntie, but this year's gift--the 6-foot swag to match last year's wreath--doesn't light up as it is supposed to.) And aside from making the annual CD for Auntie, I haven't really even listened to any seasonal music.

And now...it's gonna snow.