cardiology
December 05, 2012

I know I would be better off if I would write about what is going on with my mom. But it is so exhausting to deal with in real time that I can't seem to be able to make myself recap it here. I was there this week; my brothers and I showed up to go with the 'rents to Mom's cardiology consult to see if she is fit enough for surgery. The said she is, but that, to me, means only in the sense that she is probably not going to have a grabber on the table. And it isn't like going through the prolonged agony of a Whipple procedure is going to save her life, because the truth is that in her condition, it is more likely to shorten it. And almost certainly it is going to kill off any quality of life she might otherwise enjoy for the time she has remaining.

But you can't tell her that. You cannot tell the woman anything, because she isn't rational. She's terrified, and when my mom is terrified, she is a wild animal backed into a corner. Hateful and hysterical and combative and abusive and damned near schizo. She's treating my dad like shit, too, and that hurts me so bad that I have a hard time being patient with her.

The schizo part is apparent whenever she mentions the surgery for "my problem" as she calls it. She will be telling you all about the immense complexity of this surgery (that she should be having in 10-14 days, if she goes through with it) and in the next breath, taking it completely for granted that she will be well enough to go to Iowa for Christmas! Or when "I'm not going to die" meets "shove family heirlooms at the kids, quick while I still can".

My brothers are quite fine with buying into her "surgery will fix me" fantasy, because it is a safe, happy little pipe dream they can live with. My dad and I are the only ones who seem to be able to face facts, and I suppose with me it is 17 years in the medical benefits field teaching me that medicine is a big old hairy crapshoot.

Anyway, this is where I am. Heartbroken, exhausted (I haven't been sleeping for shit), frustrated, angry, confused, and totally at sea. I am still going through life's motions, but damned if it makes any difference. Work sucks more every day, my husband apparently has taken some kind of high moral stand against saving money, and there is an apalling lack of anything to live for at the moment.