dropping by
May 31, 2011, 4:44 P.M.

I've been absent for a while. Too demoralized to post, I guess. I have been very busy doing battle with everything.

Fightingfor the cause, but losing to sabotage when it comes to the diet. Not just from Spouse, either--although dog knows he's a fucking champion at it. But I am, too. I can sabotage myself better than anyone. Even him.

Also continuing to fight the battle with my addiction to cigarettes. No, I haven't smoked! But it is an ongoing battle, and often quite exhausting. After 126 days of fighting with myself over it, I frankly want to lay down and die.

I have also continued to be totally beaten down by the abysmal weather. If it isn't cold, foggy, grey, and raining, it is ninety and steamy. AND EVERYTHING IS SO FREAKING WET. I can't get to a point where I can do any yard work.

Just the conditions I live in have me ready to make with the slashy-slashy. That house is falling down araound us and I jsut can not make him see it. It will take the whole dump caving in on us, or me dying from the fucking black mold, for him to MAYBE realize that there is a problem.

As for work--what's lower than micromanaging? NANO-managing? Whatever it is, the clown prince of my company decided not to wait until his coronation as CEO in the fall to start pissing on his territory. He has instituted a timekeeping system so granular that I don't know when I'm going to be allowed to take a piss. And the one thing that isn't listed on it, and needs to be, is 5 hours-per-week allotted to the damned task of TIME KEEPING!

And now, apparently, it is no long even a safe place to work. They make such a big deal about everybody being scanned in and out of the building, and having your badge, and all that crap, and that is all it is. Crap. One of our employees was targeted as she exited her car in the parking structure--the guy followed her into the building, up in the elevator, and down to her desk--where he grabbed her bag and tried to get her wallet. And her keys, so he could steal her car. It didn't work. They got him. But the thing is--this woman was mugged AT HER DESK. By somebody trying to STEAL HER CAR. At eight in the frigging morning, in a supposedly secure office building, in an upscale office park, in a ritzy suburb, kind of in the middle of nowhere. What. The. FUCK.

I don't know how to stop feeling completely hopeless. Fighting depression is hard enough when you can at least make out a case for yourself that it is all in your head. When everything really does suck, you're sunk.