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January 31st, 2011
Spouse's mother died yesterday. She had a heart attack. Things are still up in the air regarding funeral arrangements; JR is being difficult, there is no money, etc.
Spouse is having a tough time figuring out why he doesn't feel much of anything. I believe it is because he already did his letting go when she got to the point where she didn't know him anymore.
I, on the other hand, know exactly why I don't feel anything.
And that isn't true--of course I feel something. I feel sad for my husband, the kids, the brothers, and anyone who was fond of her--if anyone was. But there is no personal loss for me, because she spent so many years
making damn sure I knew she hated me, trying to come between my husband and me, insulting me and my family, and outright stealing from me.
I quit smoking on Tuesday--except I didn't really, and it the quit didn't "take" until Friday. But on the upside, neither the withdrawal-related crying jag on Saturday or my husband's mother dying on Sunday got me going again. I remain obstinate and abstinent.
We are under a blizzard watch. An actual blizzard watch, as defined by the Weather Service. From now, pretty much till Thursday morning, we are expecting to get a record setting storm. That's an added layer of complexity this week didn't really need. I will be taking tomorrow off, and probably Wednesday, as well.
Spouse, for his part, is going all Rain Man, taking inventory of the groceries in the house. I don't know what it is with him, but nothing soothes him like knowing he has an adequate food supply.
For me, (while it is certainly nice to know we have food in the house) I feel better knowing that I have plenty to read and do and keep busy at. Especially this time, as I really want to be able to distract myself from any urges that pop up and try to make me nuts.
And speaking of that--Full disclosure. I actually have a partial pack of cigs in my handbag. For some people, this is a big issue, and cessation guides usually make a big deal out of you "committing to the quit" by getting rid of all smoking materials and paraphernalia.
But for me to not smoke, it has to be something voluntary. And that means I have to have a choice. Cutting off access just makes me feel like I am being forced, and that makes me panic. That panic has screwed up enough of my quits that I refuse to keep repeating the folly. I need to be able to say, at each weak moment, "I have it in my power to smoke right this minute. AND I AM NOT GOING TO."
Reading:Hobby--"Red Robin" (1922), by Jane Abbott.
General--"Teatime for the Traditionally Built", (Mma Ramotswe #10, from 2009) by Alexander McCall Smith.
Surfing: self-hyponsis
Listening:
At Random:
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