I really don't handle January well at all
January 06, 2009

Am I really depressed, or genuinely tired? I can�t tell anymore. I know that nothing seems to interest me. I am not reading much, nothing is holding my attention. TV, movies, books, Internet, people, work, husband�BORING. Even my games, FarmVille, Pet Society�even Solitaire--feel more like obligations than pleasure.

The days are short and furiously busy, the evenings are even shorter but drag hideously, and I both long for and dread bed, simultaneously. Yesterday was a one-two punch of work-related news, on top of an impossible workload with insane deadlines. A good friend and fellow-employee was kicked to the curb after 19 years service, and I got the worst joke of a "raise" I�ve had in my career there. Shit raise + premium hikes = my paycheck is going down. Not good news, when your husband is on unemployment.

The Paycheck debacle also hit me hard in the sense of accomplishment, because
A) one of my long-held goals has been to break the 50K mark for base pay. I was almost there, and if my raise had been what is normal for me, this would have been the year.
B) This is the first time I�ve ever gotten a raise that was below the company-wide average, even though my performance is as good as ever, and I didn�t exceed the absences limit, and I�ve been taking on an ever-bigger workload and wider range of responsibilities (with little or no support) for year after year after FUCKING YEAR.

I work my ass off with great benefit to the whole survival thing, but get nothing out of it that benefits or satisfies me. I don�t even get the small satisfaction of having any alone-time anymore. I spend every moment of my life in physical discomfort, if not downright pain. I never feel well-rested. I�ve even lost my interest in food, for what good it does me. The weight sticks around whether I eat or not.

I guess that what I�m trying to say is I can�t see the point of a life like this. All I see ahead of me is more of this same lifelong prison. And I just don�t know what to do. This life is hard. This disease is hard. I think that together, they have the power to take me down.