clearing my head
September 21, 2009

Damn. Fighting this shit is hard work.

I�ve got the �total rejection of everything� BS going on right now. The thing where my brain doesn�t want to let me do anything. And when I say do anything, I mean anything. I�m not just talking about not feeling like reading or watching TV or writing a diary entry. This shutdown mode the fuckbrain gets into rejects the idea of eating, drinking, sleeping�hell, I even catch myself holding my fucking breath when I get like this.

I have been working diligently away at fighting it, but the more I do my exercises, the more depressed I get. I�m awfully afraid that CBT is just not going to work for me.

To the extent I can apply its precepts, I already have pretty much been doing it for years. And it seems like going further is impossible, because I just don�t have the reactions this program assumes I have.

Or maybe I just need to find another version of the program. This one tends to word everything from a male point of view, gives examples no workplace-based examples, and assumes you have sadness as you chief or only manifestation of depression. So I guess I�d have to find one that doesn�t assume I�m male, unemployed, and subject to crying jags.

Although it used to be all about the sadness for me, it�s been all about the nothing for a while now. Absence of feeling pr caring. The inability to laugh OR cry. An overwhelming sense of the utter pointlessness of my life, and the complete lack of power to change it. As for what sets me off�well.
It pretty much all boils down to these two facts:
1. Everything should have a point.
2. Nothing fucking does.

There ya go. That�s the trigger. The anger, frustration, powerlessness, fatigue, and ultimately the depression all spring from right there, and no amount of navel-gazing is going to change it. �Unhelpful thoughts� or not, that�s the stone cold truth and no getting around it. I am a logical person, this world is not a logical place, I don�t fit here, and it makes me fucking miserable.