|
navigation
current
archives
links page
profile
|
|
I think I�ll just be brutally honest today
February 13, 2008
It�s year today since my brother shot himself. So I�m thinking of all we learned, and didn�t learn, after he was gone. And I think the number one main thing I learned was that I no longer had the luxury of considering suicide as a solution to my depression and unhappiness. He robbed me of that. At least while my parents are alive, anyway. I always figured that I would be the one that would choose that option. Knowing the option was there and that it was my decision was strangely empowering, actually. I�ve survived since adolescence on the notion that I could stand almost anything, as long as I had that �out clause�.
But now I know the effect it has on the survivors. The people--and there are people--who love you.
That is something you don�t know when you�re depressed. It�s an evil fucking disease that causes horrific pain, and poisons your judgment. Not a good combination.
Depression makes you believe the opposite of truth. That you are alone, that no one cares, that you would actually be improving their lives by subtracting yourself from the equation of your family. So I have a pretty good understanding of why he did it.
But one of my major coping mechanisms through so many bad times was that little thought. The notion that I could just go away from it all and stop the pain. It�s a weird kind of hope, you know. It�s a possibility in a world that doesn�t seem to have any.
So what do you do when it�s taken away from you?
I want to be a good body positivity activist, but it�s dreadfully difficult sometimes.
Here�s the thing:
I never appreciate anyone telling me what I "should" think or feel. And while the resentment this causes within me makes me really want to get out there and fight the Meme Roths and Mississippi politicians-- it�s that very feeling which makes this activism thing difficult for me. I'm not nearly as comfortable as the fat-haters when it comes to telling others that their thoughts and beliefs are wrong and they should change them--or if they can't change them, they should shut up. So they will always have the advantage over me. At least when it comes to imposing one�s opinions on others.
And that�s the other thing. Sometimes when I read a post and/or a link at a body positivity or fat activism site, I get to feeling all positive and good about the world, and then I read the comment section and feel as though my bubble has burst. I�m not talking about trolls here--I�m talking about the zealots. Those for whom perfection of thought and word and deed is their primary demand. Are they really any easier to live with than the haters?
I just don�t have those kinds of expectations when it comes to human beings. I simply don�t believe in perfection. I think the best we can hope to achieve in this world is the striving. I�m a work in progress, and this is true of me at any point in my life. I�m always working toward understanding things. I am not a person who was blessed with total consciousness and enlightenment. I have to work for it. So I don�t feel I have a right to demand it in others.
Reading: Lisa Gardner�s �Alone�.
Surfing: "Stephen Fry interview� . I watched all five parts last night. Man knows a thing or two about depression.
Listening: NPR.
At Random: click here
|
|
|