attempting to feel purposeful
May 09, 2006, 9:05 P.M.
Those positive action-type thingys? I took them one at a time, yesterday.
And I got two done. I finished hemming my blue pants, and I did a load of laundry. I refuse to sweat over the things that didn't get done--they will.
My little buddy Maddy came by last night and tightened up the satellite dish so my can get a reliable signal again. I gave him a bunch of pizzas for his trouble, and I'll bake him some cookies. We had a nice visit--he's another "Big Love" addict, and we riffed on that for a while. Such a nice kid. But then, his dad is a real sweetheart, so I can see where he gets it.
Raj, of course, threw herself shamelessly at him, too. Two boyfriends in one day! That dog is such a hussy.
I truly need to feel purposeful, and I'm having a hard time of it. So much of what I do at work now is navel-contemplating, nit-picky, bureaucratic BS. I was pushed into servitude at the ripe old age of six, thanks to a mother that seemingly had kids for the free labor. And so I am utterly burned out on doing housework, after 36 years. I can't even force myself to be houseproud. It is a thankless, tedious, and endless chore, and I hate it.Everything else seems to require tremendous amounts of energy to overcome my inertia, that I give up before I get started. And yet at the same time I feel driven to accomplish something.
I don't know--it's tough to figure. A kind of chicken or egg deal. Does it take happiness to motivate? Or does happiness come from a sense of purpose?
The thing that feels worst right now is I can sit here and realize everything about what I should do--and still not be able to bring myself to do it.
I hate that.
Reading: "I'd Kill For A Cookie", by Susan Mitchell and Catherine Christie (more self-improvement), and "Suspense and Sensibility, Or, First Impressions Revisited", by Carrie Bebris.
Listening: Cd. XM Cafe. Sting--"Mad About You", Steely Dan--"Gaucho", Spookie Daly Pride--"Birthday Song"
Beading: A DNA Spiral, using pink delica beads with a silk luster finish. And I'm attempting to once more re-think the large green necklace I abandoned.
One Year Ago, was a grouchy bitch.
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