taking it "easy"
January 11, 2006,
National De-Lurking Week! If You Stop By, Say Hi!
I gave up before I got up yesterday. I woke up at alarm time, and after a trip to the bathroom, I said t�ellwidit, and fell back into bed. Where Raj quickly joined me in a snuggly snooze. Truly�I felt like death warmed over. I think it was Monday�s lunch�cabbage rolls from the botulism factory cafeteria at work. That�ll learn me.After some more rest, I felt well enough to take Raj for her walk, and putter around doing some household chores, and even have a bagel and coffee (all, of course, between bathroom breaks). But I�m pretty sure that something was really wrong, because I took a nap from 10 am to 2 pm, and that is absolutely not something I would ever do when healthy. A four hour nap isn�t even something I would be ABLE to do, if I decided I wanted to. Nope, that was some sort of sick.
So my day was quiet, really. All I managed to do was:
- walk the dog twice
- clean out the fridge
- empty, clean, and refill the fryer
- scrub out the interior of the microwave
- cook meals
- wash dishes
- do a little laundry
- empty all the wastebaskets
- carry 5 bags of trash and two of recycling out to the curb, and
- run to the gas station and the grocery store
Hey--it was a sick day.
I still don�t feel terrific. But I did get one piece of news that cheered me considerably, and made me resolve to correct all the recent slippage in the good habits department.Spouse goes back to second on Monday.
And I go back to the gym, back to eating healthy, back to having ME time�back to life, dammit. Oh, yeah!
At least, I hope so.
Because, while it is true that I�m not suffering from the black despair that I usually associate with a depressive episode, I have to admit that some of my less life-threatening symptoms are manifesting themselves lately. Pretty much every thing on the symptoms list except crying jags and suicidal thoughts, actually. Let�s see--I�ve got the "empty" feeling, ongoing anxiety, tiredness and lack of energy, the loss of interest or pleasure in ordinary activities, the very early morning awakening, the problems with eating and weight, the persistent aches and pains, the difficulty concentrating, the hopelessness, and the irritability. Yep�depression seems to be upon me.
I forget, sometimes, that there is a level of depression slightly higher than jumping in front of a bus. I tend to think that if I�m not crying and overwhelmed with thoughts of death, then I�m fine. But I�m not fine, dammit. I�m what most poor SOBs would call miserable. Only I�m too fucking stupid to know it.
Oh, and uh, memorize that list or anything? Geez.
Anyway�the one symptom that screws me over the most is the loss of interest. Or maybe it�s two symptoms�loss of interest and inability to concentrate. Anyway, I end up with nothing to write about, because I stop doing stuff. I stop seeing people. I stop exercising, I stop posting, I stop reading, beading listening to music, going to movies�
I stop. Full stop.
And then I bore myself stupid.
Reading: �Alfred Hitchcock�s Mystery Magazine�, the March issue.
Listening: XM, On Broadway. �Small House of Uncle Thomas�, from �The King and I�/�Jerome Robbins� Broadway�, among other things.
Beading: Designing a badge-holder, since it has been decreed that all employees must wear their badges at all times. Except I was feeling crappy, so I haven�t worked on it.
One Year Ago, It
was a Tuesday.
At Random: click here
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