body image vs. size label
Tuesday, May. 03, 2005, 8:05 PM
Despite the fact that I've lost a considerable amount of weight over the past few months, I know that I'm still at least 110 pounds overweight, and I know I have a long way to go to get it off.
When I stand in front of the mirror, all I see is lumpy, disgusting fat. Middle-age spread around my mid-section, cottage-cheese thighs, and an ass you could set a beer can on.
So why can I go into a cheapie store like Wal-Mart, try on a pair of cheap-ass, $10.84 cotton pants, and have to buy the 18-20 size? I could understand the Evan Piccone pair that D. gave me. The expensive plus-size clothes are almost always generous in their sizing. But cheap-ass White Stags from Wally's? I can't fucking believe it. I had to buy size 18-20. Shit! Milestone, baby! The kicker is--I bought a top that was 18-20, too. And it is toooo damn big!
So what the hell. I know I still weigh 250. I honestly don't get it. Shouldn't I be about a 24? (Yesterday's weight record was wrong, by the way. The scale in the locker room weighs heavier than the one in the gym that I usually use.)
I guess Wal-Mart intends to appeal to our "obesity epidemic" with vanity sizing.
Yeah--I got sick of hitching my baggy pants up 60 times a day, and made an emergency run after work to get some inexpensive wardrobe fillers that actually fit. I got the traditional (for me) White Stag summer cotton sheeting pants, in black and khaki. And a short-sleeved cotton sweater in baby-blue. Which will get dried in the dryer to shrink it a bit, I guess.
I haven't written much about work lately, but don't take that as an indication that things are going well. We have people bailing left and right, and it looks like the ship is going down. I need to sit down and talk to Spouse about what I should do--get while the getting's good, or sit and wait for them to hand me my hat. Since he got a line on a possible Las Vegas job that would pay for relocation, maybe now is the time to make our move.Another developer bailed on us today, and it looks like one of the IT guys is gone at the end of the week. That makes 4 in the last two weeks. If I thought I would get anywhere, I'd try to get the lowdown from Former Boss. But he plays it awfully close to the vest.
The way things have been going in the last few months have made me question continuing in my current position there anyway. They have no respect for the testing process and methodology, and it makes my job impossible to do well.
Just today, I had a project lead, who is abysmal at her job, get all up in my face about an escaped bug on one of her projects. This person (it's Miss Sensitive) never had any written specs for the project, she couldn't even begin to control the outside vendor we were working with, and it was impossible to get a concrete decision on anything out of her for the run of testing.
She never puts anything in writing, because she could be held accountable for it later, so my office has no proof that the situation was addressed during testing and she told us that it was not a problem. So now it's my team that is hung out to dry, because we "didn't catch this bug".
I'm just sick to my soul of the whole damn mess. I feel like we are being set up to fail, and by our failures, justify a corporate decision to cut us.
I have been trying my damndest to drink the 100 to 120 ounces of water per day recommended by my gastro, but by the end of the day, I�m having sharp pains in my bladder area, and feel like I�ve washed all my energy right down the toilet. Not to mention the three times a night I have to wake up to go pee. It�s wiping me out. It also seems to be doing what he intended, but given the choice, I almost think I�d rather go without pooping.
Speaking of doctors, I got my test results on my pap smear today--another clean one. That makes five years since I had a suspect pap, and I guess I can consider my cancer scare officially over. I confess, I always feel a little nervous about them.
Cripes, I�m jonesing for some new reading material. TOTC is heavy slogging, and now I remember why I�ve never managed to finish it. I�ve been filling in by catching up with my back issues of Vanity Fair, but there is so little in it that I care to read anymore, they don�t fill a lot of reading time. And I�ve read my book collection so ragged, there isn�t much there I want to take another dip into. I�m thinking I�m in the mood for some Colette, which is inexplicably missing from my collection. Maybe I�ll just run over to the library after I post this.
GYM REPORT:
33 minutes
1.88 miles
237 calories(corrected) weight 250
Sometimes it�s the little things that get you emotional. I was having a hard time believing yesterday�s weight, and since I�d taken it on a scale I don�t usually use, I decided to take it again on my customary scale--the one in the gym. Both weights were on the far left of the scale, and I slid the big one into place at the 250 point. And it balanced. I didn�t have to move the little weight at all. So when I weigh myself next week, that big weight will only go into the 200 slot. When I realized that, I almost freakin� bawled. Stupid, but true.
I realized what a victory I�ve had over winter this year, and what milestones those dumb notches on the scale are, and I got all verklempt.
Reading: "A Tale of Two Cities", by Charles Dickens. Listening: XM, but they were having a really crappy programming day--at least for the times I was in the car. Spouse said on the phone that �Cafe� was playing lots of Steely Dan when he was on his way to work, but all I got was crap. Even the E! THS was doing (Ugh!) Kathy Lee Gifford.
Beading: A bracelet in jonquil yellow and willow green. Ladder stitch with over-beading, using seed beads, Czech Firepolish, and Swarovski Crystal.