beads, dreams, diets, books, and HTML
Thursday, Sept. 09, 2004,
I can�t get away from it: I need beads. I�m to the point where, although there are many interesting beads in my box, nothing goes with anything else. I have a profound itch to create, and I can�t satisfy it without fresh supplies. So it is off to the bead store after work, to try and fill the gaps. I need #11 seeds in hematite and 4mm oblongs in dark pewter, to make a choker to match my new bracelet. #11 seeds that complement the iridescent sky-blue twisted bugles in my bead box, some fire-polish beads with complementary seeds for another stretchy ladder stitch bracelet, etc. I need beads.
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I had a very dreamish night last night. Woke up feeling played out. From what I remember, it was a lot of fragmenty, stranger-filled dreams. There was travel, and there was new, very ugly furniture. There was a small child taking a thrill ride from the tail of an enormous kite. There was a Trabant full of smuggled drugs. There was a bizarre renaissance fair out in the desert somewhere that was run by the head of the FBI and it was a renaissance fair and muscle car show and burning-man kind of thing, all rolled into one.
What the hell? Just a very nonsensical, jangled, and none-too-restful night.
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I cheated a little on my diet yesterday and today, and I really don�t care. I was trapped in a car with what was left of the gingersnaps on the way home yesterday, and I�d forgotten my afternoon pill. So I ate, like three cookies. Three very incredibly fattening cookies. And when I was pulling the pork for dinner, I was having such a protein jones that several ounces found their way into my mouth. And I ate too many tater tots. I gave myself a 25% increase in portion size. 3 extra tots.
Today, I had a Slimfast granola bar for lunch, and it did not satisfy at all. So I had a bag of peanuts from the vending machine. BUT! I did remember to take my afternoon pill, so hopefully I won�t feel the need to cheat again before bed. I�ve been trying to get a good idea of how many calories a day I should eat, and all I�m seeing is this anti-low-calorie bias right now. NOT HELPFUL, PEOPLE!
I�m sorry, but I have to go with what works for me, and if I can�t find current sources of support, I�ll just have to do it alone. And deep in my heart, I know that that is the case anyway. We all have to do it alone. That is just one of the reasons I�ve always felt WW to be such a bogus scam.
The one thing I do know is I�ve got to get walking. GOT TO. It is what works. Not just for weight loss, but for my mental state as well. I know that once I start using food as a downer, and start using exercise as an upper, the depression goes away! But getting started is the hard part.
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I�m trying to live up to my intellect and read an actual literary novel--�The Peppered Moth�, by Margaret Drabble. Boy, am I out of practice! Been reading mental junk food for too long. I really need to stretch my brain. But so many literary pieces have unlikable protagonists. If I cannot feel sympathy for the main character, or at least ONE of the characters, I usually don�t finish. So far, none of these characters engage my sympathy or my empathy, and in the case of Bessie, the main char, it is the doubly difficult situation of finding myself empathizing with her plight, but truly disliking her personality. But it is still early; perhaps she will undergo some sort of transformation and become more sympathetic. (I doubt it, but I haven�t given up yet.) .
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One last thing: Look what I taught myself to do! Pretty purple text.
Reading: The Peppered Moth, by Margaret Drabble
In the CD player: Johnny Cash, Live From San Quentin (extended version, entire concert)
Beading: between projects, going bead shopping.