loser-ish
2004-06-22, 5:51 p.m.

I shouldn�t read Weetabix. She makes me want to sit down and write wonderful things. But I have no wonderful things to say in my writing, and I end up feeling jealous and loser-ish.

I�m feeling all loser-ish and incapable of coping anyway�I know I told my mom I�d come down this weekend and see my visiting Uncle, and I just-can�t-face-the-thought. Scooter-Pie will probably have to be in Michigan this weekend, and although part of me wants to go see my favorite Unc, whom I love and adore, and give Daddy his jam and stuff�part of me wants to revel in the solitude of a weekend where the husband is out of town. Plus- I�ll have to board the dog, AND with my car�s mystery ailment, I don�t feel particularly safe taking a long car trip. And part of my brain knows these are all just excuses to be a hermit and stay home.

Ugh. I thought a week off would be enough to rejuvenate me, but all it did was make me realize I�m happier at home. I�d really rather not work outside my home. I just want to stay home where I can rest a lot.

I do have that weird thing in my brain that convinces me I will never have a good enough time anywhere to justify the trouble and time and expense of going. I felt like that before I went to Green Bay a few weeks ago, I felt like that this weekend, and I feel like it now. I don�t know if I can describe it. It�s like this�I guess�

A �normal� person will get invited out to dinner and be all ooh�cool! Let�s go paint the town!

As for me, such an invitation gets extended and my mind is leaping for the exit. Looking frantically for a good enough excuse to get out of it. And there is an immediate wave of weariness that breaks over me, leaving me desperate for a nap. Now that can�t possibly be normal�not EVERY time, anyway.

Is that depression too? Probably. I�m not interesting enough to have more than that one hackneyed thing wrong with me.