happy and energetic
October 05, 2005, 6:36 P.M.
I�m feeling pretty darn good today, and I have no idea why. I popped out of bed before the alarm went off this morning, Raji and I took a longish walk, I sat on the porch and really enjoyed my coffee while reading my Gene Wilder book�which I�m also enjoying very much. Almost too much�I was so engrossed I barely made it out the door on time.
On the way in to work, I quite accidentally stumbled on a highly enjoyable radio program with Nick Park, which made improved my mood even more. When I got to work, I got the news that my friend D�s son got engaged to his girlfriend. (this is J, the soldier who was over in Iraq. He�s in Washington now. The state, that is.)
So rather a good day to be me, and it�s kind of freaky.
I really think this started last night�I was in dervish mode, taking all the trash, recycling, and the old wicker clothes hamper out to the curb, doing (from sorting to closet) two loads of laundry, brewing a gallon of iced tea, preparing dinner, doing the dishes and kitchen cleanup, getting ready for morning, re-making the beds neatly and tightly, computering, starting my kitchen cupboard project, walking the dog, and fiddling with every little task that popped into mind.
I drank ALL my water yesterday, and was mostly good on the snacking thing, and had a good workout, so I do feel physically better today, as well. Or maybe it was the three Aleve I took before bed that helped me wake up feeling so vital this morning.
Whatever the cause�I�m grateful. I needed the break.
Or, come to think of it� it could be that my Spidey-sense was tingling, and I somehow knew that my wishful thinking was finally going to bear fruit�Useless Co-worker quit today. I�d say she handed in her notice, but�she didn�t. Today was her last day. She�s done.
I know I should be worried about impact to the department, and to my overall workload, but nothing seems to be able to harsh my bliss. After all, losing that big chunk of useless weight that you�ve been carrying around is never a bad thing. Right?
Since our current boss is out on funeral leave, she actually quit to Exboss, who is looking to me to evaluate the impact to the team and build a case for replacing her. Not that a real replacement is an option, with the hiring freeze. But at least we may be able to bring somebody up from the farm team to help out, so I have to make out like Sole Co-worker (promoted from Useful Co-worker) and I will suffer from this �loss�.
After reading �Tales From The Scale�, I find myself getting more introspective about the weight thing, and my personal circumstances. Although I saw pieces of my own story in many of the works, I didn�t find one I could truly identify with. It has given me the feeling that I should be writing my story. And I got the feeling, overall, that a lot of the writers were soft-pedaling much of the intensity. The intensity of the abuse they took from strangers and from family members, and the intensity of their relationships with food. I can�t really fault them on this. I cannot find the words to explain it, either. But that�s one of the reasons I�d hoped that they would.
Maybe they just felt that no one would believe them if they tried to tell the truth about the relentless hell we are in much of the time.
One thing that I can�t get past lately is the obsessive thinking loop I deal with when I crave something. I cannot get that doughnut out of my mind, and I don�t even like doughnuts all that much, and I�m trying to �be good�, and it�s only a fucking doughnut, but I cannot get that doughnut out of my mind. Now that�s kind of a literary clich�, a well-worn expression that sounds pretty good.
�I cannot get him/her/it out of my mind.�
But what if it is, quite literally, true? What if that stupid piece of pastry is keeping you from getting your work done? What if you are locked in mortal combat with yourself, over a damned hunk of fried dough? What if, even as you are putting these words onto the page, you cannot get that doughnut out of your mind?
The relentless nagging doughnut. And finally, you are exhausted. And you eat the fucking doughnut. Just so it will shut up and not bother you anymore.
And that�s the cue for your conscience to take over. And you begin to obsess over the fact that you ate the doughnut. It was just a doughnut. It had no power over you! You should have been able to reject it, to put it out of your mind, to walk away without a second thought. But you�re WEAK. You ate it. You gave in. You are a FAILURE. You can�t even accomplish a simple little task like WALKING PAST A DOUGHNUT. Well, you are scum, you blew it, you screwed it up past redemption because you COULD NOT SAY NO TO A DOUGHNUT.
And then, the third little voice in your head pipes up. �This day�s blown. Might as well have another doughnut.�
I�m going to try to make this evening as productive as the last�I�ve got the following checklist going:
quick grocery store run
cook & serve dinner (pasta/salad/garlic bread)
clean up kitchen
the rest of my usual evening list
clean out the lower corner cupboard in the kitchen
clean the bathroom
vacuum and feather-dust living room, dining room, and hall
sweep and feather-dust my bedroom /l>
But here�s the thing. I�m not going to cry if I don�t hit all of these. I just want enough stuff on there to occupy me until I�m ready to stop. I�ve decided I�d rather have carryover items on my list than run out of stuff to do while I�m still riding the momentum. (Not that I could ever really run out of things to do) I like having a game plan. And I don�t mind if it�s a little over-ambitious.
GYM REPORT:33 minutes
1.86 miles
241 calories
Well, as I said, it�s been rather a good day.
Reading:Listening: XM, �Cinemagic�. The �Reel Time� program had a Nick Park interview, along with dialogue and score clips from Wallace and Gromit: Curse of the Were-Rabbit� and �Chicken Run�. Squeeeeee!! 2 more days! Cracking!
Beading:Hobbies are for people with spare time.
One Year Ago, I was politicizing.
At Random: click here