entry four sixty eight
October 06, 2005,
My good intentions for last night did not really come to fruition. I managed the grocery store run, dinner, clean up, and my usual evening routine, but then I fizzled out.
�Cause, really? Just having him around is my effort than my psyche can bear at the end of the day. I don�t mean that he�s a problem. I mean I�m just tapped out at the end of the day, and I need the rejuvenation of solitude. It�s more than I can cope with to have a simple conversation. When I�m alone in the evening, I feel energized after a while, and end up getting all sorts of stuff done. But if I�m not alone, I feel like someone stuck a hose into me and is siphoning off all my life force.
So I don�t want to think about tonight. It poops me out just to consider it. As the light grows ever more scarce, and the workload at the office gets more onerous, and I face the thought of having him around all the goddammed time, I just want to crawl in a hole. The funny thing is, I don�t get particularly demoralized by any of these factors on their own�it�s very much a cumulative depression. I�ve been trying to keep a good mind-frame, but it seems like that puts me right smack onto the radar of the Adverse Circumstances Fairy.
Sigh. Fuck the PMA. Why not? My NMA is getting more and more validation these days, anyway.
I drink a helluva lot of bottled water. I�m not a snob about it, it doesn�t even have to be spring water. But I am very particular about taste, so I buy Le Nature�s �Ice Water� in both the plain and flavored varieties. It�s cheap, I like the taste, and it comes in 20 oz bottles, which makes it easy for me to track and meet my 80-ounce daily requirement. (damned bowel condition!) I especially like the flavored water, because it is just a spritz of flavor�no artificial sweeteners, or anything. I love the orange, lemon, and lime. But today I tried a new flavor, and it was like drinking perfume. Kiwi-Strawberry, you are nassssty! Nasty and strong. That stuff was so much more powerful than the other flavors, I had to water down my water. Gah. Won�t be buying that again.
The weather turned suddenly last night, with our temperatures dropping pretty dramatically. Yesterday was 85, today 52. Ahh, Wisconsin in Autumn! But now, I have the overwhelming urge to make beef stew and biscuits for dinner.
GYM REPORT:32 minutes
1.75 miles
223 calories
I couldn�t push today (ankle and knee pain) so I worked straight through at 3.4 mph, with no incline. And you know what? I got the same damn results I do when I do a big push and a cool-down. (Only my knee and ankle don�t hurt.)
Reading: �Kiss Me Like a Stranger: My Search for Love and Art�, by Gene Wilder
Listening: XM, �Lucy�. Lou Reed, Del Amitri, Refreshments
Beading:I wish�
One Year Ago, I was expecting him home.
At Random: click here
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