unfiltered
May 07, 2012

Spouse has gone back to work at the plant where he was before the recession. Same job, same boss, same building, and in some cases the same machines--but now he's working for the Germans instead of the Japanese. (I know--it'll be the Italians next!)

Which means that he's working again.

I have been pretty sure for a while now that he had somehow blown the job at the plastics plant. If I couldn't recognize the signs by now, I'd be pretty pathetic.

I don't know the whole story, because after all these years and all these scenes...I don't even ask. Why bother to even bring it up? I don't effing care anymore. Of this much I am certain--the story he gave me about "changing jobs" is incomplete, at best. That's being charitable. But he will always prefer lying to me to telling me the truth.

The truly weird and incomprehensible thing,is that it isn't the fact that he cannot or will not hold down a job that infuriates me.

Truly--whatever. I accepted that fact decades ago. I've tried to make it clear that I can live with it. I've shouldered my burden, for better or worse. I've buried myself in work I can't stand in order to keep us solvent and reasonably stable.

No, what infuriates me is the lying. The hiding, the pretending, the two-faced bullshit. THAT is what makes me feel worse every time he does it. THAT is what makes me want to give up and walk away.

Because it means he doesn't care about me when he repeatedly does it. It means he thinks I'm stupid when he repeatedly thinks he's getting away with it. Because it means he IS stupid, and I cannot love a stupid man. Because it means he's another goddamned pathological deciever. Like my dad. Like his mother. Like his brothers. Telling lies purely for the sake of telling lies, and even when the truth would better serve them.