downward
September 09, 2010

Probably time to write it out---I am tumbling again. Is it the thyroid thing, the depression thing, the menopause thing, or a combination? I don�t know. I just know that I�m so very tired, and my interest is slipping away from me again. There seems to be nothing that can hold my attention, and any little thing I need to do seems like an insurmountable obstacle.

And the big things seem totally unreal. I can�t even get my mind around them. It�s like the minute I try to force myself to give some thought to anything big, my brain pushes the eject button.

I don�t know what to do. If it is the thyroid, do I call the doctor and say something is really wrong here? Or do I wait until the next blood test to tell the tale?

If it is menopause that�s wrecking me, is there even anything that can be done? And if it is depression, is there anything I can do for it that won�t make the other two worse?

For now, I just try my best to keep interested in something--anything. I spent 3 weeks logging into FV religiously, 3-4 times a day, to send gift building materials and get bee hives, horse barns, garages, and pig pens built for C, M, and myself. I throw myself into the hobby reading, spending every free second churning through every girls series book from the teens I can locate. These things keep me going--for a while, anyway--but they don't accomplish anything. I write letters to my Uncle. (That, I think, is more useful--it seems to make both of us happier.) I post stuff here.

But just once, I wish I could work up the energy and the will to...I don't know. Weed the yard, or wash the living room curtains, or go buy myself some new bras, for cripe's sake. Do something that requires me to get the hell out of the chair and deal with something in my life that actually NEEDS doing.

I need some brain dynamite, I guess.