saying goodbye
February 20, 2007

It was a lovely funeral. So many people, the chapel overflowed. And all of them devastated by it. All of my Iowa uncles came, and many of the cousins, as well. Plus my brother�s friends from early childhood till the present. Classmates and co-workers and neighbors from every school, job or neighborhood he�d ever had. Friends of my parents, from everywhere they�ve ever called home. Customers and business associates from as far as Milwaukee. My older brothers had in-laws there, Spouse�s little brother came, P&E sent a gorgeous floral arrangement, and even my mom�s hairdresser was there.

Flowers from friends and neighbors and family, flowers from institutions, for pete�s sake. Banks, businesses, restaurants, and even my nephew�s basketball team. When we got done going through the cards and the memorial envelopes from the funeral home, there was twelve hundred dollars in the middle of the kitchen table.

This was a seriously loved man. I wish he could have realized it. I wish it could have healed the hurt.

The pastor my parents chose was great. She had a meeting with all of us�parents, siblings, in-laws, and the niece & nephews�so we could tell her all about him and share our memories and wishes. And her service was beautiful, merciful and forgiving, understanding and loving. She even sang a lovely a capella hymn�I can�t tell you what it was, because I was so overwrought, but it was beautiful.

There was a model racecar in the casket spray, and country music playing. My brother was a small-town, good-ole-boy, country-style guy, and we tried to reflect that, because it was who he was.

My family never stopped holding one another and saying I love you for three days. We laughed and we cried and we remembered his wonderful times. I tried to comfort my niece and nephews, and they me. They are such good kids. B just got his driver�s license at Christmas, so he took charge of driving Grandpa wherever he needed to go. A went through stacks of photos and put together a terrific montage of his life. T and N took out trash, ran errands, and did pretty much anything we asked them to, in order to be helpful. They all had endless hugs and comfort for whoever needed it, even though they were hurting as bad as everyone else.
Bless each and every one of their big, loving hearts.

And my sisters-in law did so much to get the house ready and make arrangements and feed us and everything�I love them so much. My big brothers have amazing wives.

Bub and Buck and I talked more than we have in ages, and there was major hugging going on there, too. My oldest brother must have hugged me and told me he loved me two dozen times. Bucky, man of action, isn�t much of a hugger, but we have always been able to communicate that stuff easily without a lot of demonstrative words and gestures, so we did what we always do. I needed it so bad.

I�m in bad shape. I went to work today, but I can�t say I got anything much done. Talked a lot, which makes me tired under the best of circumstances. My old friend D called me from Michigan to condole with me, which was good. I keep needing that. I stopped on the way home from the dentist last night to get a hug and a shoulder from W, so you can tell I�m kind of a mess. I am really tired. I haven�t been eating or sleeping very well, and it is really starting to catch up with me. I know I have lots more to say, but I�ll just have to save it for another entry.