I'm going to miss him so damn much
January 11, 2007

It was a lovely memorial. Despite the modest sum that Papa left, and his insistence that he wanted to pay his own way out, we managed a pretty nice sendoff. The chapel at the cemetery was very pleasant and light, the eulogies from E and all the "boys" were heartfelt and affectionate and touching, and the turnout was terrific. We were overflowing a bit, in fact. The oak urn we selected made a handsome appearance, too. And the veteran's honors had me bawling, I have to admit. Given the current shortage I hadn't expected a real live bugler, but we had one. Well, technically, I think it was a trumpet, but still, that plaintive horn playing taps for my sweet Papa almost did me in.

E did some great picture boards, and they included some shots of Papa with his beloved grand-dogs. Raji worshipped the old poop, and I was glad to see her represented. It tears me up to realize we'll never again hear that special, distinctive, and insistent bark that meant GRANDPA! had arrived. Old Niks loved him too, sleeping at his feet or staring adoringly up at him, and Mishka used him as a teething ring, treats dispenser, and all-day sucker.

Dogs loved him. Is there a better eulogy for anyone?

Niece and Nephew took it pretty hard, and their mom and I smiled a bit when we realized that Niece was crying on Spouse's lapels, and Nephew kept gravitating to me, wherever I went. We were the ones chiefly responsible for the kids getting to see their grandpa with any regularity, and I think that is why they felt so connected to us in their grief.

Although I have to admit that they clung to us every bit as much when their other Grandpa passed away, so it may be that they just plain love us and need us when they are sad.

P&E had set up a luncheon at a local restaurant for after, so I wasn't off the hook once the funeral was over. It was a strain to be with those members of the family with whom we don't get along, and to be cordial to Papa's former employer, who is a first class dick. But since the one person that he was never a dick to was Papa, we set aside the animosity and did our best to get along. I was relieved when it was over, though.

Spouse and I stopped in at a nearby bar and had a drink with his brother JR and another friend we hadn't seen in a while, then we headed home. I was so wrung out by that time, I just kind of vegged and dozed all evening.

Which turned out to be a mistake, because once I did go to bed, I wasn't sleepy , and I spent two hours awake in the dark, thinking about Papa and missing him so much. I started weeping and couldn't stop. It's a good thing I was entitled to take today off, because I managed to pretty well wipe myself out before I was able to doze off. I did some wash and some other housework today to keep myself busy, and I'm hoping that tonight will be better. But just in case, I'm going to pop a couple of Exedrin PM before retiring.