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really struggling
May 30, 2019,

Depression has me so f*cked up I am really struggling. The fact that I have not had any sort of me time in a month is not helping. Between having Spouse glued to me and calling all the shots on vacation, and his crazy, effed up schedule since we got home (If he isn't home when I get there, he's right behind me!), I am ready to curl up in a ball and die.

Next week, he'll be gone for a couple of days, which would be just great, if it didn't have such a negative impact on the dog. He's got to go out of town for some work training.

At least he cooks when he comes home early--yesterday, I excused myself, went to bed for an hour or so, and was awakened for a lovely dinner. I needed the rest, too. Work has me stressed and depressed and at the end of my rope, so sleep elusive. I took two sleeping pills when I went to bed, and it was nearly four before I woke up, so that was beneficial. He made a really good one tonight, too. I ate too much, though.

Also, the vicious cold that he caught at the end of vacation? I managed to catch, just as he was starting to get over it. First few days were a nasty head cold--then on Saturday, I woke up with it in my effing chest, and spent the entire holiday weekend wishing I was dead from the pain and congestion in my head, chest, ears, throat, and pretty much my whole damned body.


The depression thing is only partly my fucked up brain chemistry. The major part is work. I'm so fucking trapped in a job with no future, a non-boss, and dysfunctional, toxic co-workers. ICD-10 R45.851 every single day.

Reading: The late, great Penny Marshall's autobiography, "My Mother was Nuts" (2012). I heart Penny Marshall. But someday, Tracy Reiner can write her autobiography, and call it "My Mother was ALSO Nuts".

Listening:Eagle Eye Cherry, Stone Temple Pilots, Cake, Garbage. I'm in that mood.

Inked Up: No changes, except my opinion of the Caran D'ache Chromatics Hypnotic Turquoise. Turns out it just needed to flow a little more, because now it is a close match for Blu Mare! Special edition LAMY Studio with a matte terracotta finish and a left-hand nib, inked with Sailor Jentle Apricot. Visconti Mirage in Emerald, fine nib. Caran D'ache Chromatics Hypnotic Turquoise. The Bexley 10th Anniversary with the custom italic nib, with R&K Blu Mare. The Conklin Duragraph fine, with Pelikan 4001 Brilliant Brown.

recede - proceed

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