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just along for the ride
August 23, 2018, 8:44 P.M.

I was conditioned from an early age to make every effort not to want anything. And when I inevitably slipped up and did express a want, the conditioning was to "get used to disappointment."

Well, fast forward to middle-age. Here I am, after a lifetime of living the teachings of my narc mom. (Teachings which my husband has benefitted the hell out of for the last 35 years, I might add.) I never get what I want, and I don't have a clue how to change that.

But oh, my god, I need to change that. I can't go on like this. When you feel you don't have control over your own life, it is pretty hard to stay interested in living it. They say you have to want to go on living--and I don't know how to want something and get it, so I guess I'm f__ked.


Monday: traffic, work, traffic, home, bored, bed. I can't remember what we had for dinner.
Tuesday: I could not even face prospect of work, so I called in and went back to bed. Once I got up and got Spouse out the door, I sat on my ass in blessed silence, reading and futzing around on the computer. Later, I did clean the bathroom and do a load of laundry. Spouse brought home dinner (Taco Tuesday at El Fuego).
Wednesday: Back to traffic, work, traffic, home, bored, bed. Dinner came out nasty, because the pork chops I had expected to be fantastic because they came form the good meat market...weren't. They were nasty, and tough as old boots. they were inedible, and the Rice-aRoni and vegetables weren't very filling.
Thursday: traffic, work, traffic, home, mowed the front yard, took a short swim, bored, bed. Spouse brought home Culver's in gratitude for me mowing, so he didn't have to. (Mental note: don't eat a Culver's bacon-cheeseburger with onion, after 7:00 pm on a weeknight. Unless, of course, you want to keep experiencing it all night long.)

Friday: traffic, work, traffic, and I stopped at Costco after work to pick up some meds. Had a Costco hot dog & a Pepsi for lunch; quick, portable and a steal at $1.58. Ate it in the car while I fought the mid-day traffic home, and after making sure the B got what he wanted, I started in to make sure somebody else got what he wanted. Made (boxed, but cooked) butterscotch pudding. because Spouse wanted some.

After I got that chilled, and the meat thawed, I made a great big meatloaf (one pound ground beef, one pound ground turkey), because that is what he wanted for dinner. Tried something new, at his request, as well. I crushed up a small can's worth of french-fried onions and added them in. I don't think it hurt anything. In fact, I rather appreciated the saltiness it brought; since I switched from saltines to panko, I've sacrificed the salt for a superior bind. Didn't really notice any oniony taste to it, though. Those onions are really greasy--that probably helped keep things tender, in spite of leanness of the turkey. It did come out very nice. And I made mashed potatoes and gravy and peas to go with, so he was overjoyed with his dinner, right through to the pudding. He raved about the meatloaf. I thought it was going to be particularly good cold, so I was looking forward to sandwiches on Saturday (I ADORE cold meatloaf sandwiches).
a note for later: please observe that I wanted cold meatloaf.

After dinner, I cleaned up all the mess and sat down to count the minutes until he went to his room and left me alone. It took a while, as he decided to annoy me by working on his cruise plans. Remember the cruise? The one where I said I wanted to do the east coast in the fall, so we're doing the west coast in the spring? (I still think this will be nice, but no one can deny that it IS pretty much the opposite of what I requested.) Anyway, he wanted pre-pay the madatory gratuities, and reserve a seating at one of the restaurants. Which meant that we had to have a discussion about it, even though whatever he does has absolutely nothing to to with me. Eventually he left and I fiddled around on the laptop awhile, then crashed myself. I slept like death and a half, too.

I never finished this post, and I don't even care. Too late to try and bother about it now. --9/4/18

Reading: "The Seed of the Righteous" (1915), by Juliet Wilbor Tompkins. A fairly serious story, about a young woman who comes to realize that her family's way of making a living is at odds with her own sensibilities. I found this one serialized in Good Housekeeping, and managed to hunt down all the installments by a combination of Google Books, and this gem of a website: The Cornell Home Economics Archive.

Listening: Dawes, Fitz & The Tantrums, Green Day, Vampire Weekend

Inked Up: I finally managed to change them out: Pilot Vanishing Point med. has been refilled with with Iroshizuku Yama Budo, and the Conklin Duragraph fine has been reunited with it's one true love, Pelikan 4001 Brilliant Brown. For my third pen, I went with one of the Metropolitans--the purple leopard--but I swapped the nib section out with the turquoise one, so I could have a fine point in the purple. That's the nice thing about the Metro; you can do that if you want to. And for ink, I went with the almost unheard of choice (for me) of a black. I had a sample of Conway Stewart Bodmin (which my research seems to indicate is Diamine Jet Black with a fancy name), so I decided to give it a whirl. I like it--it is dark enough to stand out, even when it's laid down with a Japanese fine.

recede - proceed

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