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last weekend of freedom and other sorrows
April 23, 2018, 9:22 P.M.
I took a week off from walking and from doing the intermittent fasting. Probably
shouldn't have, but sometimes you just hit a wall. Anyway. Sat on my ass, ate crap,
ate when I felt like it, and at least felt like I was doing exactly what I wanted for a
change.
No matter how good it is for me, no matter how much I want the results,
controlling my intake and exercising are never going to be anywhere near the top of
the list when it comes to "what I really want to do right now is:". They just aren't. I
know they are for some people, but not for me. I like to shove food in my face, I
like to sit on my ass and read or muck about on the internet. That is who I am.
And it is important to acknowledge that sometimes, and give my inner sloth a turn
to have things her way.
I decided to try the coaching program my employer offers. Well, not really. I was
forced to speak to a coaching program representative at the biometric screening and
health advising (also forced, and I wish I could afford to spend the extra $600/yr it costs to tell them to shove it up their ass--but that's another rant for another day), and tried to be diplomatic in my refusal. Big mistake. Apparently
they don't choose to hear what you are saying if you say you "would consider thinking about doing that, sometime in the future".
Bitch went ahead and signed me up.
Which is hilarious, because they are all about getting people to sign up and utilize the
program, but the program is a mother-loving joke. Once I got contacted by the
coach I hadn't even agreed to have, I figured what the hey--I'll go for it. So I read
her messages, and it says to set a couple goals on the website, so I picked better
sleep and strength training, since, well, those are things I need to improve, right?
Then I message my coach that I have done that, but I have no idea what to do next,
and I'm asking her what I am supposed to do to get started.
The response was...underwhelming, to say the least.
She starts by telling me what she isn't--a personal trainer. Then she says she can
"direct you to ideas and resources that can help you acheive (sic) your goals!" She can offer suppot (sic), motivation and accountability. And help me "get specific about what you want to acheive for your health, set up attainable goals, and supprort you with the follow through; this is, after all, the way we create a helathy lifestyle!
(soooo many typos! I got tired of pointing them out individually.)
Basically, to get down to it--she pointed out tools and resources available on the
website that were already well-known to me. And as far as the support, motivation,
and accountability--I don't really want or need cheerleaders. Or like them, for that
matter.
And as far as encouraging me, I don't find it particularly encouraging to do
everything they require for their "sleep plan", only to be dinged for non-compliance
when all that stuff (which I was already doing anyway--frankly, it's the most basic of
low-hanging fruit) didn't magically result in me getting eight hours of sleep a night.
Here's the thing. I don't fail to achieve 8 hours of sleep per night because I am a 20-something club-hopping party girl or netflix binge-watcher.
I sleep bad because I am a 54-year-old post-menopausal woman with an auto-immune disease and chronic anxiety!
It isn't a matter of choice! I'm not trying to break a few bad habits, I am dealing with debilitating chronic conditions that rob me of my rest!
BUT--it's always that way. No matter the health issue I'm trying to solve, I always try everything there is that's in my power to try--BEFORE I reach out for help. If those things work, I don't require any further help, and if they don't...THEN I ask.
The problem with that is, those things I already tried are the only strings in the (doctor's, coach's, therapist's, trainer's, etc.) bow. So I tell them that I've already tried that, didn't work, I'm here for some real help--
And then, because you tell them their little dimestore miracles failed you...and because that's all they've got...they don't believe you. They refuse to take you at your word, and prefer to assume that you are weak, lazy, lying, and non-compliant.
Of course, on the rare occasions when they do offer up something that happens to help you, it's their victory. But if their suggestions don't help you...well, that's your failure.
End rant. (I did "get back on the horse" this morning, with a brisk outdoor walk of about 1.5 miles in 30 minutes, over mildly hilly terrain. In 45-degree temps.)
What else is going on? Well, Spouse starts his new hours on the 27th and is approved for vacation for that day, so he has 6 days off before he actually has to start them. And I decided to take a couple days this week and make it a long weekend for me, so maybe we can do something together.
I'd like to go out of town, but I think he has his heart set on furniture shopping, so that will probably win the day. He has a couple places in the Milwaukee area he wants to try, to see if they have anything we like in living room chairs.
This past weekend, being my last solo one, I kicked back and took it fairly easy. I played domestic, and got my laundry and housework done. Bathroom scrubbed, kitchen scoured, etc.--including scrub-brushing the kitchen floor on my hands and knees.
Plus I cooked, of course. Friday, I did BBQ chicken legs, baked potato and salad. I made a pasta bake & garlic bread for Saturday's dinner, and baked & frosted a scratch chocolate cake for desssert. Sunday, I made oven-baked pork chops and rice pilaf with green beans. Nothing too taxing, and nothing requiring outrageous clean-up.
And I took on the long-overdue task of re-making that failed batch of jam in the freezer. I had a batch of triple-berry fail to set for me a couple of batches ago, and it has been bugging me for a year. So I thawed it, dumped it into a pot with more sugar, some lemon juice, and a good shake of extra ascorbic acid powder, boiled the living HELL out of it, and bunged it back into clean jars.
AND IT SET!! HooRAY!!!! And bless the shade of my great-aunt Betty, the best home-ec teacher ever. I had some on my breakfast toast on Sunday, and it was pretty darned good.
So what was this "taking it easy", you ask? Hee. Sure, I got a bunch of tasks done, but trust me--you'd be surprised how much time I spent on my ass, in between those tasks. And I have a FLEA (Functional Lasting Effect of Abuse) when it comes to that kind of stuff--my mother drilled it into us that if we weren't crazy-busy doing housework for every second of every Saturday, we were seriously slacking. So if I pace myself, I feel as though I'm a worthless lazy bitch. Calling it "taking it fairly easy" is meeting myself halfway and refusing to feel guilty about not accomplishing more in the time I had.
BUT--that was about it, really. For relaxation, I switched out a couple of the pens in my roll, cleaned the dirty ones and inked up a couple new ones (see below). Read a little, posted some old ads and such on tumblr, and avoided Facebook for three days, because that's good for me to do once in a while. Played a lot of word games on my computer, avoided humanity to the greatest extent possible, and said my sweet goodbye to those delicious weekends of the past few months, with their long days of solitary bliss.
Reading: After finishing "The Lightning Conductor", I
continued my re-reading of the Williamsons. I'm doing "The Princess Passes" (1905)
and "The Lightning Conductor Discovers America" (1916); Having a bit of a Molly
and Jack binge.
Listening: Franz Ferdinand, Jack Johnson, Depeche Mode,
Jellyfish.
Inked Up: Bexley 10th Anniversary with custom italic
nib/R&K Blu Mare, Conklin Duragraph fine nib/Pelikan 4001 Brilliant Brown,
Delta Serena broad nib/Iroshizuku Yama-Budo, Pilot Metropolitan fine nib with
Pelikan 4001 Turquoise. Swapped out the two rotational slots, and I am really liking
the Yama-Budo in the Delta. It allows me to flip the nib, and I really like the line I'm
getting that way. The Pelikan in the Metro, not so much. It may be a trifle dry for a
Japanese fine, I'm thinking.
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