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for worse and for worse
September 20, 2017, 7:13 A.M.

You know, you'd think I'd be in a lot better shape, considering the 300 pounds of dead weight I'm dragging around behind me.

Okay, he lost that job because he couldn't do it. His physical condition is so terrible that they let him go because they basically didn't want him dying on them.

And I certainly cannot deny that he's a fucking mess. He's in absolutely abysmal condition. He weights over three hundred pounds and has no muscle mass, he shakes and shuffles like he's 90, he has hypertension and is subject to blood clots and lately he has a chronically hoarse voice that's disturbing as hell. He breaks into a sweat at the least exertion. Exertion can also bring on "white-outs" in his vision. He's nearly blind, anyway. And on top of all of that, his anxiety and sleeplessness are just as bad as mine--if not worse. Which amplifys everything else. And causes him to cling helplessly to me like I'm some kind of pillar of strength. (News flash: I'm NOT).

The only ray of sunshine in all this is that he has finally realized his doctor is a pill-pushing quack that treats symptoms without ever looking for causes--or worrying about side-effects. He has declared himself ready to change. Of course, now we have to deal with trying to find him a new doctor. Mine is out of the question, because there's a conflict of interest; his doctor and my doctor are relatives. But there is another doctor in that practice who seems promising, so he's going to try and get on the patient list there and get an appointment.

So, on top of him being unemployed, and apparently unemployable, there will be more medical bills. And the insurance plan is so bad that it will basically be entirely on me to pay those bills. Along with all the other bills, that is.

Oh, and he needs dental work, too. Yay.


So. The weekend. Friday after I got home from work, it was hot, and I was really tired and upset still, from coming home on Thursday to a groveling, sniveling note about him getting let go, what a loser he is, how much he loves me, doesn't deserve me, blah, blah, blah. (He was at school). So we just ran over to the pool store to get a couple of things we needed for closing the pool, stopped to get gas, milk, and bread, then picked up a few sale items at Festival and went back home. Closed the windows and turned on the air conditioning for the first time in over a month.He made grilled chicken and steamed rice for dinner, I made a salad, and we both went to bed early.

Saturday morning, it was already hot when we got up. We went out to get started closing up the pool, and after checking the water temperature (78 degrees), I decided to throw on my suit and get in one last swim. I did some pool exercises and a few paddling laps, then we hooked up the vacuum and while the water was pumping out, we killed three birds with one stone--I vacuumed, backwashed the filter, and brought down the water level all at the same time. It took a couple of hours to get everything done, but we had the winter cover on and were to the point where we couldn't go any further by 10:00 am. After taking a break to cool off and rest (That relatively simple project left him utterly spent and shaking), we got cleaned up and ran out to do errands.

I stopped at Burlington first, where he sat in the car and I bought myself a new purse for the first time in a year (gorgeous Nine West bag in tobacco brown and black; very tailored and stylish) and some Body Shop almond body butter for half what it is in the shop. A minor splurge; I spent only $32 and change. Then we went to Aldi and Festival to do the weekly grocery shopping. After we got home and got everything put away, I started some laundry and we sat down at our laptops to start searching and researching doctors until I hit a wall of fatigue and said "enough".

I sometimes feel kind of guilty for spending money on thinks like pens and ink and purses when I know how far I have to make my paycheck go in the absence of any income from him. And then I think--no, fuck it. What in the blue blazes do I have to feel guilty for? Working my ass off to support us for the last thirty years? It isn't me who has consistently let the team down for all these years. If anyone feels guilty for anything, let it be him!

So for Saturday night dinner, we had steamed basmati rice again, because he had decided to use the bottle of Filipino banana ketchup he bought at Seafood City last week. He made Filipino pork Barbecue. chunks of pork marinated, then skewered and grilled. So I did roasted carrots to go along with it. I have to admit it was crazy tasty, and he was really happy with how it came out. Said it tasted just like the street food he first had as an 18-year-old Airman on Luzon.

He went to bed early, I stayed up for a while and fiddled around on the computer.
I wasn't getting any sleep on Sunday morning, so instead of lying in the dark, wishing I was dead, I got up a little before six, threw on some shorts and my good walking shoes, grabbed my keys and phone, and slipped out the front door for a long, brisk walk. It was already warm and muggy, but I managed to get in about a mile and a half, judging from my pace and how long I was at it. When I got home, I was pretty steamy. I had to sit down for a while in front of the fan and cool down, before I could do anything. Spouse was up by then, and we had a long coffee session before going into the kitchen and making a big Sunday breakfast (bacon, eggs, home fries, OJ and toast).

Once that was done, we cleaned up the kitchen, and mixed up and baked off a quick batch of homemade peanut butter cookies. My peanut butter cookie recipe is easy, excellent, and only make three dozen, so it goes pretty quick.

While the cookies cooled, I sat down with my phone to "go to the library". I decided to download the app for borrowing periodicals, so I can check out magazines. Probably would do better on the tablet than the phone, but I always have my phone. Checked out the latest copies of The New Yorker and Rolling Stone, and I think I piqued Spouse's inerest, because next thing I knew, he was installing the app too.

I finally looked up and saw that it was eleven o'clock, and we decided to get cleaned up and run up to Farm and Fleet to get a few things (grain-free dog treats for B, new wiper blades for the Impala, a new tin of Bag Balm for me), just to get out of the house.

It was supposed to rain, so we held off on mowing the grass until it was too hot, and it never did get around to to raining. When we got home, I finished the wash and ran a machine cleaner pack through the washer, then I lazed around on the computer, ordering new flanges for the pool ladder, and trying to find something I felt like loading onto my Walkman, while Spouse made quite a splendid Sunday dinner: roasted turkey breast, stuffing, mashed potatoes & gravy, peas, cranberry sauce, and crescent rolls.

Sounds spendy, but between cheap sales at the good store, and good prices at the cheap store, we ended up with enough for two dinners and some sandwiches, and the whole thing cost a total of $15.63.

But how I'm ever going to lose any more weight with him cooking like that, I will never know!

He did most of the cleanup, as well, which was nice; I like having lazy times enabled by the hubs Dog knows I enable enough of them for him.





Reading: Reading "The Mystery at Dark Cedars", from 1935. This is Book 1 of The Mary Lou Series by Edith Lavell, and of course it stars "girl detective" Mary Louise Gay and Jane, her "chum". It features a hateful old woman, some really egregious mistreatment of a child, a fair amount of instances of people abusing their power, and a generous helping of the type of casual racism so often found in stories of that era. And contains this passage, which probably doesn't mean what it sounds like to modern ears: "Mary Louise is always 'Gay,'" remarked Jane demurely. "In fact, she'll be 'Gay' till she gets married." So while I found it an interesting read, it is triggery AF, and you've been warned.

Listening: Dan Auerbach, Stone Temple Pilots, Toad the Wet Sprocket, Imagine Dragons.

Inked Up: Bexley 10th Anniversary with custom italic nib, inked and Hero 616 (fine-ish medium) are inked with Iroshizuku Yama-Budo, Jin Hao X750 (medium) with Iroshizuku Kon Peki , and Conklin Duragraph fine nib, with Pelikan 4001 Brilliant Brown.

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