Just need to rant a little
September 06, 2016, 4:56 P.M.

I don't know how much longer I can hang on without completely losing my shit. 

Sometimes I just need to not fight it, not hide it, not minimize it--put it down on paper and acknowledge it.

I want to die. 

Most of the time, I just wish I was dead.

Oh, shut up, calm down, and breathe--there is one thing I know after 40 years or so of fighting my way through this fucking disease, and that is: wanting to be dead and wanting to kill myself are two completely different things. But this is the problem with the big D. Everybody always wants you be honest with yourself, to admit your weakness, to acknowledge your limits, blah-fuckety-blah-blah-blah.

Until you tell actually do, and then they all panic and go apeshit because you mentioned death. 

But nothing is going happen. I'm not going anywhere. I just needed to get this off my chest and write it down. And isn't it weird that even when I am typing it out in my journal, I have to supply explanations and reassurances because I know that it may be read by other people?