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triggered
August 01, 2016
First things first; gotta get this off of my chest--
Still recovering from a rough encounter with my N co-worker last week. I got triggered HARD.
Let me start by saying: most of the time, I'm pretty functional. I do okay, if not great. I have
loads of coping skills--mechanisms that I can employ to keep me from losing my shit in public
when dealing with a malignant narcissicist. I have even garnered compliments on how well I
can "handle difficult people". Most of the time, I can con myself into believing that I don't
have PTSD.
But occasionally, when one lets their mask slip and shows their true, unfiltered self...I have no
defense. I go into "fight or flight" mode. I'm trapped--I can't speak. I turn into a helpless ball of rage and frustration. I shake. I turn white. I see red. I struggle to breathe. My heart races. My stomach churns. My eyes fill with tears. I'm a f**king mess. This situation is also likely to kickstart a downward depressive spiral that can last for months.
So, yeah.
PTSD.
Thanks, Mom. Your "incredible" parenting is just the gift that keeps on giving.
And speaking of depression--I am seriously considering weaning myself off of the zoloft. I really can't take much more of the memory issues, the lack of motivation, and the weight gain. So I did some reading up, and sheesh! It sounds like quitting the stuff can get pretty ugly!
So if I do, I will have to be very careful, and take it slow.
It was nice to get back to a relatively normal weekend. I went from getting ready for vacation
to vacation to getting ready for company to having company, so the last six weeks were a bit
rough. It was a relief to have a quiet weekend.
Friday after work, I came home feeling like baking, so I baked and frosted a devil's food cake.
Then I had a nice nap with the B before getting showered and dressed to go out. Spouse and
I had a nice dinner at the Village, and enjoyed the results of my baker's itch when we got
home.
Saturday, I slept in while Spouse did housework! He was a regular whirlwind--by the time I got
up, he had done a load of wash, vacuumed, made his bed, went outside to put the chemicals
in the pool and pick up dog poo, showered and dressed, wiped down the bathroom, eaten
breakfast, cleaned out the fridge, emptied the dish drainer & washed up the dirty dishes!
Once I got up, I continued what he had begun, laundry-wise. Then I had some coffee, washed
up MY dishes, cleaned the coffee-maker, and did a few other odd chores, I took a quick swim,
then showered and dressed so we could get the errands run and the shopping done.
Costco, Meijer, Festival, and home--I put everything away while he put a new air filter in his
car, and lubed up the door hinges. After a quick lunch of hot dogs and chips, I got back on
the wash, and he relaxed for a while. We all ended up napping a bit, towards mid-afternoon.
I got up about 4:00, took care of the dog, and went out for a swim, then came in and threw
together a couple of salads and a small pan of stove-top baked beans. And after I got my
fussing done in the kitchen, Spouse took over and made a delicious chicken dish in the
pressure cooker. The best way I can describe it is that he prepared it rather as you would
chicken cacciatore, but instead of a tomato and wine sauce, it was a barbecue-based
sauce.With my beans and salads, that was dinner. And what a dinner! It certainly put those
87-cents-per-pound chicken legs in a whole new league!
Since it had ended up being a comfortable evening out, Spouse decided he would get the
front yard cut, at least. So I tackled the dishes while he tackled the mowing. Well, he got
some momentum, and ended up doing the whole front and back, plus all the trimming! The
back was getting pretty bad, since we hadn't mown it in about a month (first draught, then
storms!) He was relieved to get it off his shoulders, I think. When he came in at dusk, he took
a shower, then went to bed & slept like a baby.
I had a rough night--too much nap in the afternoon, I guess. But I got up Sunday morning
and treated my hard-working hubby to bacon, scrambled eggs, hash browns, and toast for
breakfast, then did all the cleanup and dishes. Plus my usual Sunday kitchen cleaning.
When I was done, I slipped into my suit, a pair of old shorts, and my Toms, and went out to
weed and water my flower garden, followed by a lovely, refreshing dip in the pool. Then a
repeat of Saturday--shower, dress, and run errands. Spouse wanted some bird seed, and I
wanted a small length of border fencing for the herb garden. We did Meijer first--he got
birdseed, I found no suitable fencing. But since he wanted to get spare keys made for the
Chevy, we stopped at Ace, and they had what I wanted.
Errands wrapped up, we filled the bird feeder, got the herb garden squared away, and decided
to just chill out for the rest of the day. I don't think either of us napped, but we both
stretched out on the beds and read for a few hours. Well, I did, after I cleaned some
strawberries and cleaned out the potato bin, and worked on my tumblr blogs.
Dinner was pretty simple--baked potatoes, another salad, and Spouse grilled a big old pork
steak over charcoal, and brushed it with Russell's BBQ sauce.
After the dishes were done and the garbage was out, I took another short swim, then put the cover on the pool and came in. As I was changing, Nephew and his wife stopped by on their way home from a Kingfish game, and it was so good to see them--I can't remember how long it's been since we have. They couldn't stay too long, but it was nice doing some catch-up.
After they left, we had our strawberries, and then Spouse headed to his room to read, while I
cleaned up from dessert, prepped for morning, and puttered around on the computer till I
started to doze off. Just a perfect summer weekend, if you ask me!
Reading: "Martha By-the-Day" (1912), and "Making Over Martha" (1913), by Julie
M. Lippmann. Martha is a hard-working wife and mother who "goes out by the day", in order
to ensure that her family has a respectable standard of living. (She also has a habit of taking in
"strays".) But she's reliable, sensible, practical, efficient, intelligent, courageous, and good-humored, so this is my favorite kind of "competence pron".
Listening: The Smithereens, Jann Arden, The Ames Brothers. (USB set on
"random" = anything is possible!)
Inked Up: No changes. Seriously—I am actually getting pretty frustrated that I can’t
seem to write a pen empty these days!
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