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re-examining
July 20th, 2015
So we finally finished opening the pool this weekend. Ridiculous--this is absolutely the latest ever. But weather and personal obligations have conspired this year. Spouse put in the ladder for me first thing Saturday morning, and we had the water tested so we could get the chemistry balanced. After I finished my housework yesterday morning, I got in, vacuumed it out (for some reason, about ten pounds of filter sand was on the bottom), put the ladder mat in, and scrubbed up the skimmer. Then I had a nice swim. Not for loo long, though--I didn't want to get all burnt up.
I was going to do all that on Saturday, but by the time we got to that point, a nasty storm was bearing down on us. We missed the worst of it, but we did have a period of heavy rain. Surrounding areas had hail, damaging winds, flooding, power outages, and way more rain. So I guess we dodged a bullet. Spouse made chicken parmesan and angel hair for dinner; it was totally up to his usual standard of excellence. The man can cook.
Yesterday afternoon, Spouse and I went to Racine to a wake--one of our friends lost his sister-in-law so we stopped by briefly, to be supportive. Then we ran to the store to pick up some dog food, before coming home to relax before dinner. I made Salisbury steak with noodles, and a salad. A very well-chopped salad, because Spouse is really suffering with his mouth healing. It's been keeping him up nights. He was going to cook, but the mouth pain had him so worn out that he asked me to take care of it.
I feel like I'm struggling, but lately I have been pondering that. Maybe it is because I am a terrible judge of what is normal? The first thing that messes me up is that there is always more to do than I can manage to get done. Second--my upbringing permanently skewed my sense of what constitutes a reasonable amount of effort. If I am not on my feet, doing and achieving, I feel as though I have let myself and everyone else down.
For example; here is a list of things I did this weekend:
-most of the week's washing (minimal help from Spouse)
-grocery-shopped
-bought a new pair of shoes
-cleaned my jewelry
-did my weekly pen maintnenance
-rans assorted errands
-cooked dinner on Sunday
-washed a lot of dishes
-vacuumed the pool
-Went swimming
-tended my flowers
-stripped & aired beds, washed up dirty bed linens, & made beds up fresh.
-vacuumed floors
-played with my dog
-went to a wake, to support a friend
-researched gutter-cleaning services in my area
-got up, bathed, shaved, combed my hair, got dressed, etc.
-spent some time actually relaxing (napping, reading, futzing around on the Internet.)
All written out like that, it really doesn't seem to be the weekend of a lazy, miserable, exhausted, worthless mess, does it?
But here are my commonly recurring thoughts:
-I'm so lazy.
-Damn I'm useless.
-Another weekend almost gone, and I still haven't gotten (insert list here) done.
-What is wrong with me?
-Why can't I just get myself motivated?
-If you would just eat better, you would lose weight and have energy and focus. But you are a complete failure in that department.
-I need to get up off my heinie and (insert list here)
What does that say? That I'm a skilled practicioner of the art of negativity, I guess. I am experienced in all the various styles of negative thought. Catastrophizing, Filtering, Personalizing, Overgeneralization, Polarizing, Emotionalizing—you name it. I’m fluent in them all.
Reading:
"The Five Red Herrings" (1931), by Dorothy L. Sayers. Adjusting to this new eyeglasses prescription is really hurting my reading. I can only do it for a few minutes at a time. And every time I pick this one up, it's because I've forgotten the pain of wading through all the over-the-top written dialect.
Listening:
Green Day, Cowboy Junkies, Alice in Chains, Dawes
Inked up:
Waterman Kultur (fine)--with Noodler's Saguaro Wine.
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