saying goodbye
July 28, 2014

We had my mom admitted to the hospice facility on Saturday. As of now, she's hanging on by her fingernails, but she could pretty much go at any time. When we got there on Saturday morning, I could see that her condition was beyond my dad's ability to handle.

And even after the nurse came and checked her out and told daddy that this was the end coming, he still thought he could get her into the truck and drive her there. Of course, my SIL was badgering him at that point, thinking she could figure my mom out. Scott and I said ambulance, gave our reasons why, the hospice nurse said it could be done and paid for by insurance if she was admitted under the respite care provisions, and Daddy saw the light. She went by ambulance. Frankly, she was in no condition to be able to walk, so it was the only viable choice. I have no clue what they were thinking.

And despite my SSIL* trying her very best to nudge her into the grave (more on that later), there she remains, for now. Blood pressure good, temerature good, breathing labored (I'm pretty sure she has pneumonia), but the oxygen is set fairly high and the morphine helps the cough. She's on oral liquid morphine and ativan. She mostly sleeps. She can barely eat or drink anything. She has moments of lucidity, but not many, and they don't last very long. They are outnumbered by the moments of consciousness where she is completely loopy. She isn't a person who stays coherent and lucid on opiates, anyway. Never has been.

It isn't going to be too long, now. But my brothers and I have all made our peace with her and with the situation, we said our goodbyes, and Daddy told me that I should just go back to work on Monday, because "Honey, there ain't a thing you can do here but sit and wait--and I've got that covered."

Before I left yesterday, I kissed her goodbye and told her I loved her. She opened her eyes, squeezed my hand and said "I love you too, honey."

You know what? I can live with that. If she "slipped the surly bonds of earth" before I got to see her again, I could be happy to know those were the last words we exchanged.



*shit-sister-in-law