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June 12, 2014, 2014

06/11/14 It's my 29th wedding anniversary on Sunday, and I can't think of a thing I want to do to celebrate it. I take that back--I did think of one thing I wanted to do, because I thought Spouse would enjoy it. Go to see the new ball team play. Unfortunately, the Kingfish are going to be out of town on Sunday.

Oh, well. It probably would have been mobbed, even if they were in town, since it is also Father's Day.

I don't know. I just wish I could desire something (besides junk food, I mean). I'm experiencing an apalling lack of interest in things at the moment. The piercing ache of melancholy only seems to hit me in the evenings, but the lack of interest and focus is a problem the whole day through. (Maybe this damned period took more out of me than I would have expected.) The checklist tests I took today both came up "moderate-to-severe", so I am pretty sure I haven't really made any progress--or even managed to stem the tide. I almost couldn't get out of bed this morning. Shut the alarm and just lay there for five minutes, trying to will myself off the mattress. And that was after I went to bed at nine o'clock.


06/12/14
Last night was another one where I couldn't bring myself to eat anything healthy or stay awake much past dark. Dinner consisted of the dubious combination of peanut butter sandwich and Doritos. Bedtime was 9:00 pm again. I did manage to get down on the floor and do a few stretches; no easy task when you have a big fuzzy friend who thinks you are down there to cuddle and play with him.

But this morning, despite being cloudy, foggy, gray and gloomy, feels better to me. I actually felt more rested, and was up before the alarm (by three minutes). I was chastising myself for my sloth while getting ready for work, and made a vow to try and get something done when I got home from work today.

If I could just get one chore done--one of those I have been putting off--I think I would feel better about myself. Work has been such an exercise in futility lately that my self-worth is suffering. I really need to come home and get something tangible accomplished, so I can feel like it was a worthwhile day.

I have it narrowed down to two--just have to decide whether it will be dusting the living room, or cleaning the shower. Dusting is easier, but a sparkling-clean shower is more satisfying--and better exercise!

And maybe I'll throw in a load of clothes while I'm at it.



Reading: "Under the Country Sky" (1915), by Grace S. Richmond. I really wish I could like the main character more. I keep wanting to smack her for not realizing how good she's got it.

Listening: Blondie, Arcade Fire, Urge Overkill, Fleetwood Mac


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