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December 18, 2013

I am my own best Santa
I freely admit to having a selfish holiday this year. Since I like to get what I want for Christmas, and since no one else seems to think I should, I have been slowly and surely acquiring the items on my wish list for the last month or so. So far, I have given myself:
The silver chain I wanted last Christmas, only to have Spouse get me the totally wrong one (wrong length, wrong style).
A black pashmina scarf, soft and warm and totally cuddly.
A good pair of winter gloves.
A new, decent quality phone-charger for the car.
The upgraded (steel instead of plastic) knob for my Lodge enameled pot)
my new electric blanket.
A set of silicone crust shields for pie-baking
A 2014 wall calendar

I'll probably treat myself to a good bottle of wine, some new sneakers, and a new pair of jeans before the end of the year, too. I mean, I can wait for people to disappoint me at Christmas, and then go buy what I really wanted in January, or I can get it for myself now. So to heck with waiting. None of those gifts are high-end items--even the pashmina is only a wool-blend, and was a steal at Amazon. Everything I've purchased so far adds up to less than $75. And many of them are so traditional they are clich� (scarf, gloves, calendar?). I can only assume that the people in my life simply can't be bothered to find out what I really want and get it for me.


Well, I buckled down Monday night and put together one of my traditional "Merry Mix" Christmas compilation CDs for Auntie, so I could get the package into the mail. This year's features Christmas crooning, and is 15 selections from Michael Bubl�, Josh Groban, and Harry Connick Jr. A nice mix of traditional, jazzy, and religious. I also sent her a scarf; just a simple black one, not too heavy, that she can wear if AZ gets a little chilly. And, of course, the fruitcakes. We got the package ready to go and Spouse ran it to the post office this morning and sent it on its way, priority mail. (rate for a large flat-rate box is up to $17 bucks!)
And I talked to Daddy last night. I was going to call mom, but he called me first, just wanting to talk. Must have finally remembered he had another kid! I shouldn't be too rough on him, I know he's going through a lot right now. Selling his business, dealing with Mom, and just being 78 years old in a cold, cold winter. He sounds so tired. I know he isn't sleeping well. He mentioned something that bothered him...he talked about how Mom just takes all the holiday ads in the newspaper that she used to pore through for hours, and just chucks them in the wastebasket without giving them a glance. And when a lifelong power-shopper like my mother does that--well, you know then end is coming. It sounded like that really shook him to his core. It was heartbreaking. Sometimes it's those little things that really drive home what is happening in a way that surgery, chemo, and terminal diagnoses just can't.

And he is at a loss over what to get her for Christmas. It is too late for any "go places and do things" gifts, and she has everything under the sun in the way of stuff.. And of course, nobody can give her what she really needs and wants. I wasn't able to help, I'm afraid. I did arrange that we would come down for a visit the morning of Christmas Eve; can't tell my mom, though. Have to act like it is a big surprise because we don't want her getting into a tizzy and thinking she has to prepare and clean and such. I told dad to practice his "surprised face".

Mom was snoozing, so I told him I would call her tonight. But I'm procrastinating a bit; it's just so hard...
Dad also mentioned that my oldest nephew & his fiancee have a wedding shower coming up on the 29th. I didn't get an invitation, but I figured I would take the high road on this one, and sent a gift from her Target registry. A pretty collage frame at about 30 bucks. There goes my haircut money...I hope they appreciate the thought.
Spouse is not doing too well. He is now complaining of pain in his LEFT foot, similar to what he had in his right foot immediately prior to the clot issue. He made a Dr. appointment for tomorrow. I think it is a combination of carrying all his considerable weight on his "good" leg for the last six months, and the fact that he only wears bedroom slippers or his most disreputable pair of clapped-out, blown-out, non-supportive sneakers. But he is understandably spooked, and he admitted to being a little panicked about it. And apart from the physical issues, his mood has been pretty low. It is all weighing heavily on him--the feeling physically poorly and being unemployed. (I can point out that it is not making my life a picnic, either. But that is strictly as an aside, not to diminish his issues in any way.)

I'm probably too easy on him. But I know firsthand the very real feeling of panic that sinks your heart when you only have one "good" leg, and it starts acting up. And I also have tremendous empathy for his struggle with depression. So no matter how fed up I get, I can't really bring myself to come down on him too heavily. He has a lot of issues that I can't make excuses for, but the mood disorder and the physical debility are not something I am willing to attack him for.

His brother is doing pretty shitty, too. P was supposed to have knee surgery on Monday, but they postponed it; they told him they couldn't operate until they got some of the swelling down, and that he really had to stop punishing it and keep his weight off it. Spouse went up there to hang out with him today and have lunch. "Two gimps together" as he put it. Misery loves company, maybe?
We had our departmental "white elephant" gift exchange and spaghetti lunch today at work. It was okay. Food was really good, for a change. I contributed an ugly-ass "weather station" (thermometer-hygrometer-barometer) thing with a train on it that had been haunting the hall closet for several years, and got a cheap-ass piece of Christmas jim-crackery out of it. And a photo album somebody didn't want. Multiple somebodies didn't want.

I wore my "ugly sweater" holiday vest that Mom gave me, and some Christmas novelty jewelry I've been given by co-workers over the years. (Not my "Merry Friggin' Christmas" pin, though. It is getting kind of fragile. It is at least 20 years old, and that's a long time for something made out of craft paint and alphabet soup noodles!) But some wreath earrings and a pretty Victorian Santa pin I've always been fond of. And since the sweater was Mom's, it's really high-quality, and only barely ugly.

I am more mellow than I used to be about the holiday season at work. My feelings haven't really changed. But I have altered my behavior based on the theory that a modest expression of holiday cheer is good for my career. Now that they do our reviews subjectively, based not on results but on "soft skills", I have to be more flexible about stuff.

And, too, there is the fact that I the older I get, the less likely I am to stick up for my own principles. "Let it slide." That's me motto. People are going to do what they want to do, and be the way they want to be. I am not likely to agree with the majority of people the majority of the time. So I go along with the crowd on stuff like this, but suit myself the rest of the time, and don't beat it off with a stick when they shove it in my face. I just let it flow over me instead.
The unexpected effect of Zoloft blunting my anxiety has left me oddly at sea. I realized that I have no idea how to get through my life without constant, gnawing anxiousness driving me. Gut-churning, obsessive worry has been a lifestyle for me since I was a kid. It's my primary motivator. I am unable to function effectively without it!

I don't know if it is the presence of depression or the absence of anxiety, but I currently have no burning desire to dive into a book. Gotta be honest--I have absolutely no interest in reading right now. I've tried. Oh, I have tried. But it is weird. I just don't seem to be able to bring myself to do it. Not typical of me, that's for sure. I do have a feeling it is related to the mood disorders.



Reading: see note about reading, above.

Listening: The afore-mentioned Michael Bubl�, Josh Groban, and Harry Connick Jr. albums that I downloaded from Amazon so I could make Auntie her compilation. Hey, I blew $20.00 on music, I'm going to listen to it! (Just kidding. My love of Christmas music is an established fact.)


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