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without consulting me, 2013 edition
October 03, 2013

I asked Spouse about going to Rosemont for our birthday...visiting the casino and/or Fogo de Ch�o. Should have known better. It isn't ever ever ever going to be my call for what happens on October 7th. It was his birthday FIRST, therefore it is HIS birthday, and HE gets to decide. His decision is that we will go to Schaumburg, and eat at Maggiano's, instead. Which would be fine--I like the western burbs, I like Italian food--if it was not such a dick move an autocratic edict.

He'll always win this, because his belief that his birthday is important doesn't conflict with my belief that you make a big deal of the birthdays of people you love.

But you know what? It hurts. I am not going softpedal it. It damn well hurts. He has had that explained to him, and he still does it every year. That hurts too.


I am so freaking bored. And so fatigued. I am worried about that...between perimenopause, depression, and Hashimoto's, I can't even tell anymore if I am just tired on a one-off kind of basis, or if something more pervasive is wrong. An no, being tired isn't the same thing as being bored. But when you feel like you don't have an ounce of energy to your name, it is very hard to get un-bored.

That's kind of what I have going on right now. I will start thinking that I want to do something new and exciting and different, and about half a beat later, another part of me starts whining about how much effort and energy and discipline it would take, for an uncertain return, and it wouldn't be worth it, and I would just be too tired to get any benefit from it...blahblahblah. And that stream of negativity can shut me down. The part of me that says "go take a 3-hour nap instead" ends up winning. I miss the days when I could just have a thought and act on it without this damned internal argument. I used to get so much done.

Another thing that seems to gnaw away at the back of my mind is lack of focus. I feel like I can't even get it together enough to write a shopping list. The question is--is it a symptom of the disease (& if so, which one?!)...or a side effect of the meds? Even with the lack of energy and focus, I feel like it is probably not depression...I am not experiencing the apathy that usually makes up the third side of the depression triangle. Plus I took the assessment quiz and got a score in the normal range.
The government shutdown is so profoundly hopeless and ridiculous and sad-making that I cannot make myself pay it the attention it probably deserves. When I was growing up, adults turned their heads away and ignored you if you were a selfish, tantrum-throwing child, and so that is what seems logical to do with the politicians in this case. The difference is this: a child is capable of learning through the experience and modifying their behavior. If their efforts are rebuffed over 40 times and they are still drumming their heels and squalling their heads off, the GOP is evidently not.





Reading: "Emily Climbs" (1925), by Lucy Maud Montgomery.

Listening: Steely Dan, Steve Goodman, Joe Jackson, Pete Townshend, and The Book of Mormon OCR. MP3 on "random" makes for strange bedfellows.

At Random: click here

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