tuesday muse day
August 27, 2013

As somebody who has spent more time depressed than otherwise--and as someone whose non-depressed experiences have been, for at least the last quarter-century or so, hyperthyroid and manic...I don't know what the blue blazes "normal" is supposed to be. Seriously--I don't have a clue. How do I know if I feel better, if I don't feel fantastic and super-energized and marvelous? If normal is the spot exactly mid-way between awful and marvelous, does normal mean I don't feel anything at all?

That said, I suppose I do feel better. Not great, but better: Still feel tired, still wish I had a different life, still feel overwhelmed most of the time...but handling it better. Able to cope. Squeaking by. I am impatient, I guess. I have made progress, I know that, and I just have to be satisfied that I am moving forward.

A big problem for me is that taking care of myself--eating right, making sure I drink my water, exercising, paying attention to how I feel and doing things to fix it if I feel bad--is boring. It is a tedious, annoying bore and I hate to do it, so I end up NOT doing it, and digging myself into a hole. Seriously. I cannot stand having to pay attention to all that stuff. no matter how important it is to my well-being, it isn't important to ME...if that makes any sense.