setback
August 21, 2013

Despite spending a week down for the count with pain and discomfort*, I have been feeling less like life is an unbearable burden lately.

Less like.

The feeling doesn't ever really go away completely--it's always lurking on the outskirts of my consciousness. And a big burst of hopelessness can still pop up and blindside me, leaving me feel gutted. Sometimes I feel like life is good. And sometimes I feel like life sucks but I am strong enough to fake it. But there are still occasional sometimes moments where my brain screams at me "life sucks and I am going through the motions and I am exhausted and can I stop now? Can I just stop now?"

Yes, I know that it is "irrational", and I have to train myself to see past it, and that if I work hard, I can train and trick my brain into compensating for its own faulty chemistry.

But I don't want to. I am tired and I don't want more hard work. I already have to get up in the morning and drag myself through life pretending to be something I am not in order to not complicate anyone else's life, and it's just breathe, breathe, breathe, all the @#!% time, and I don't want more frigging chores to do, just to con my unwilling brain into continuing the same senseless pattern.

This is the shit that lurks in my head, waiting for me to get tired and vulnerable so it can take another shot at destroying me.



*Full disclosure: the pain was totally worth it for what I got out of it: a full week where I didn't have to--heck, I couldn't--do anything at all. I enjoyed that like you have no idea. Just sitting around, mildly stoned on pain meds, and being absolutely and completely unproductive? ROCKED.