dark Monday
August 05, 2013

I am not feeling very optimistic today. I actually felt pretty good at the end of a 3-day weekend, but it isn't hard to see that my job can bring me down fast. Another morning of premature waking, low mood, feelings of helplessness, uselessness, and frustration until I want to throw up my hands, crawl in a hole, and die.

And no hope of any regenerative, peace-giving solitude. I have Spouse to deal with when I get up in the morning, when I get home in the afternoon, right up until bedtime. I can't even get so much as a 1/2 hour of pool time, because it's been so friggin' cold lately. I still have to figure out the other two pieces of my 3-part plan, and not being able to swim is putting a hell of a crimp in "get more exercise".

As for unloading on a friend--I have many problems with that one. NOT something I want to do. Even after you consider my aversion to using somebody I like as a sorrow mop, the there is this: the mere idea of having to talk to somebody makes me feel tired right now. I don't even comment on too many blogs or post much to FB or Twitter anymore, because it just feels like too much effort. Even this diary is a struggle--I am only doing it because the therapist gave me this as homework.

I can't change any of the things that are giving me hell right now, anyway. I am stuck with the circumstances in question, and all I can do it change the way I handle it. And I just don't know how I am going to change how I feel about it, or the way I react to it, or deal with it. I am looking for some answers, and I don't know if this guy is going to be able to help or not. He came right out and admitted "You're pretty much stuck." I think I'm not really depressed,but then...whammo! Here comes the bleak and the black. It seems easy enough on a day with no pressing duties or long commutes, when you can take a nap in the afternoon. But then it's 3:30 on Monday morning, your brain is wide-awake and spinning with anxiety, and you have to get up in an hour to face the long, hard workday. Things don't look so rosy then.

Not all bad, though, I guess. I seem to have lost a couple of pounds in the last week or so, despite having another wretched period to deal with. Spouse wanting to to lose weight is helping, I think, because even though he still wants the food he loves, he is cutting way back with portion sizes and snacking, and that helps me to do the same.

My appetite has been down lately, and that helps too. I'm afraid that may change once my thyroid levels get back up towards normal , but I will take it for now, if I am in the sweet spot between "up enough so I can lose weight" and "up all the way to where I am hungry all the time."