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motions with no emotions
December 13, 2018, 9:39 P.M.
Christmas is leaving me so numb. I'm going through the motions, but nothing is touching me emotionally. Lights, cards, carols...meh.
But I am slowly, and rather laboriously, working my way through the seasonal obligations. I did the card exchange again this year, but I cropped my personal list down to about four. I feel guilty, but I am just not feeling the love this year. I admit I may send a couple more to Scott's cousins, but that is IT.
The baking is going slowly, too. The combination of a brutal workload, health issues, and these mother-fucking schedules we are working is making it impossible to get where I need to be.I am attempting to make big push this week, but it is just overwhelming. On top of that, I spent nearly two hours of my Friday afternoon waiting for them to fix my car, only to have them come out and tell me that I would have to bring it back because they had to order a part. And I got home just in time for a major power outage that fucked me over royally and took just enough time to make baking impossible.
Saturday was a wash, because we met my dad for lunch in Rockford, and stopped at the big Fleet Farm in Delavan on the way home so that took up pretty much the whole day. Not a bad thing--I really enjoyed seeing Dad and his girlfriend, having a nice visit and showing them the car.
But it did mean that on Sunday I had to try and get all the weekly housework done AND bake six dozen sugar cookies (and decorate a couple dozen, as well). The cookies got done. And some, but not all, of the housework.
I came home on Tuesday and took care of B, then whipped through a batch of peanut butter blossoms, then cleaned up all the mess, then made dinner--THEN I sat down long enough to eat, before jumping back up and doing the dishes again. On Wednesday, I made the pfeffernusse dough and put it to chill so I could bake it on Thursday. Then cleaned up the mess, made a nice dinner, cleaned up that mess, and got a load of towels as far as the dryer before collapsing into bed.
Tonight, I ended up not baking the dough off because I made meatloaf & mashed potatoes for dinner so I didn't have time.
I actually took a vacation day for tomorrow, in the hope I can get the cookie-baking and candy-making wrapped up and the boxes ready to go out on Monday. I really wanted to go to the Santa in a Shoebox wrapping party tomorrow, but I don't think I am going to have the energy to do it. Oh, well. I donated four boxes and some wrapping supplies; it'll have to do.
Spouse texted me today to let me know that I am going to lose another pre-Christmas Friday afternoon to the stupid passenger-side seat warmer, because the part came in and he scheduled the service appointment. Gee, thanks.
We picked up the wreath for Papa's grave over the weekend, so I know we'll have to take a chunk of my time for going out to the cemetery and taking care of that--on Sunday, I hope. Again, it is important and special and I want to do it--but the lack of time is killing me!
I honestly can't say if there will be any decorating this year or not. I need to clean and de-clutter before that can happen, and I just do not have the time OR the energy. Spouse is not one bit of help when it comes to this stuff. He made the decision to use his workload as an excuse, and is doing so. I do not have that luxury, so I do what I do. He will probably make something nice for Christmas dinner, but he is working the 24th, so he won't do much else, I'm sure. He may pout about the tree--I honestly hope he does because it would give me great joy to point out that my name ain't Claus, and it isn't my duty to provide him with Christmas while he sits on his ass and waits for it. If he wanted it bad enough, he could jolly well clean and decorate for himself. (But even if he did? I would still have to put it all away come January.)
We are skipping the presents for each other this year. Aside from the fact that we are kind of fed up with each other right now, we recently bought a car, and a snow-blower, and we put up a shed this year, and installed a new cook-top, and bought next year's cruise, including flights, hotels, and excursions. You could say we are pretty well supplied in the "treat yo'self" department. So we're just going to treat ourselves to a cord-cutting!
We cancelled AT&T internet and cable, signed up for Spectrum internet, and are going with Amazon Prime, with a side of BritBox (for me) and a digital antenna for local stuff. Possibly other services at some point, but we are starting there. I'm sure it will be more than plenty for me, but he may find other stuff he wants. And the best part is that this is sort of a reverse-indulgence, since we will be saving AT LEAST half of what we were forking out to AT&T every month. Win-win.
In the health news, I survived my 30-day ball and chain (a/k/a cardiac event monitor) and got the results back from the doctor's office today. No big shock--there isn't anything wrong with my heart. It's fine. Which I was pretty sure of to start with, more sure of after the ECG, and I'm downright smug about at this point. Still have a follow-up on the 28th.
And the dentist next Wednesday after work. My effing calendar is so frigging full this month, it ain't even funny.
Reading: "The Second Fiddle" (1917), by Phyllis Bottome
Listening: I've been enjoying a lot of GAS standards and 1940s swing music, now I'm amping up the Christmas stuff. Maybe it will make me feel less than completely numb to the season. So far, nothing else has.
Inked Up: Still these four, but at least I've been using the Hero and the Conklin quite a bit. Skilcraft Executive Red Fine, with Bungubox Sweet Potato, Hero 616 fine with Iroshizuku Ama Iro, Pelikan Stola III medium with Sailor Apricot, Conklin Duragraph fine with Pelikan 4001 Brilliant Brown.
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