|
navigation
current
archives
links page
profile
|
|
what can I say? here we go again
June 05, 2017
Okay, I am going to try and see if I can manage to get a post written and posted without effing it all
up this time. I am going through a hard time right now, and any little setback at this point is a stab
to my heart that sucks away my will to live.
First of all, let's get this out there:
Spouse has been doing what he does best: he's lost yet another job.
Yes, I'm bitter. Yes, I die inside every time this shit goes down. Yes, I know all the stuff that you
think you want to tell me about my marriage. But the only thing that can change in this situation is
me ending the relationship, and at this point--after knowing him for thirty-four years, and being married for thirty-two years come Thursday after next--you probably shouldn't count on that.
Since this went down three weeks before we are scheduled to go on our cruise to Alaska, I pretty
much told him to concentrate on getting his health back on track for the trip, and he can worry
about job-hunting when we get back. Of late, he has been descending into a miasma of physical and
emotional ill-health that threatens to fuck up my dream vacation, and I am damned if I will let that
happen. For once, I'm feeling pretty damned selfish.
The first few days he was off, he was a bundle of nervous energy and cleaned, mowed grass, cooked,
etc. like a man possessed, but it didn't take very long for that to cool off. I actually gave him a clear
message this morning that he was to get more than an hour or two's worth of SOMETHING
accomplished today. God knows there is enough cleaning, repairs, and assorted random chores to
keep him busy--if only he could and would see it. Honestly? If this is how he is when he's working, I
would fire his ass, too. If a man is damned near 60, and he still has to be told, in detail, every little
thing that needs doing, and poked and prodded along like a lazy donkey...
Let's talk about something more pleasant, shall we?
I spent a good chunk of the weekend trying to get myself into "trip mode", and get some prepping
done. I made lists, dug out summer shoes, planned outfits & packing, pulled together all of the "nice
to have along" stuff that was recommended to me by experienced cruisers, and generally trying to
amp myself up for this trip that part of me really doesn't want to go on.
There. I said it. (typed it.)
Here's the thing: travel is not really something I enjoy. Once I get somewhere, I usually like it, but
getting ready and getting there are very stressful, because they trigger ALL my mental problems. My
OCD, my GAD, and my CPTSD are all rampant when I have to travel. The lists are my coping
mechanism, I guess. I've taken a lot of crap about my travel lists over the years, but I know they
help stave off panic attacks, and allow me to function in a way that could possibly pass for normal.
Part of the problem right now is that I've had no real vacation in quite a while. What I really need is
a vacation not just from work, but from family. All of my vacations for the last several years have
been spent visiting relative, hosting visiting relatives, or with my husband. (Who I really need a break
from most of all, but what are you gonna do, right?)
And yes--I could travel with friends...if they could afford to travel. And if I didn't need a break from
them almost as badly as I do from family.
Anxiety brain being what it is, all I see in this trip is rules I have to follow and stuff I'm required to
have and places I'm obligated to be at a certain time. I really can't look forward to a vacation where
you're told where to eat, when to eat, how to dress, etc.
It feels like summer camp.
I hated summer camp.
So I guess this wasn't a more pleasant subject, after all.
I did call my dad and set up a meet-up visit for next Saturday; I haven't seen him in a year, but we are sailing on Father's Day. So I decided I needed to do something about that. Spouse being in the position he is at the moment, I pressed my advantage and we will be driving down to Rochelle to meet him and his SO for lunch. It is closer to them than to us, but unless we want to picnic in a cornfield, there isn't an acceptable halfway point. So we cede the advantage to our elders!
Soem kind of nice things:
Saturday morning, Spouse surprised me by going all the way to the good donut shop in Zion and getting me my favorite donut (they do the world's most perfect coconut cake donut). Trying to be sweet and thoughtful.
When I was shopping at Fresh Thyme, I was given a very pretty bouquet of lillies, carnations, and daisies for free. They don't believe in throwing away the flowers when they re-stock the bouquets, so they give them away to customers. So free flowers are always good!
I also did a little kitchen puttering over the weekend, to try and unwind a little. I made & frosted a banana cake, mixed up a batch of coleslaw, and made something I haven't made in years--Amish-style macaroni salad. It didn't come out very well, though. After I left out the things Spouse doesn't like, it was terribly bland. We are having leftovers today, so I will re-dress it and try to punch it up some before we eat. Still, it was fun to mess about in the kitchen a little, and it wasn't too bad alongside the coleslaw and BLTs for dinner.
Honestly, that's about it for how I spent the weekend. I didn't have a lot of laundry, yardwork, or housework to do, because I expect him to do it, and I didn't have anywhere I had to be. Just took it easy at home and did trip prep.
Reading: re-reading "A Daughter of the Rich" (1903), by M. E. Waller. A wealthy but frail
young lady goes to spend a year with a large and loving family on their mountain farm, under orders
from her doctor (who is friends with the aforementioned family). There are sensible people in it.
Listening: OCRs of "Rent" and TBoM
Inked Up: Conklin Duragraph Amber (Fine) with Pelikan 4001 Brilliant Brown, Bexley
Green 10th Anniversary (custom italic) with R&K Blu Mare, Pelikan Stola III Silber (Medium) with
S&K Plum Blue, and Bulow/JinHao X450 Silver Curve (Medium), also with S&K Plum Blue.
|
|