|
navigation
current
archives
links page
profile
|
|
partly to mostly vile
September 22, 2011
Still very depressed and stressed and feeling severely miserable. By the time I get home from fighting and struggling my way through a hideously long and soul-draining workday sandwiched between 2 hellish commutes, I just want to curl up and shut down. I don't want the tv, the computer, or any human contact whatsoever (poor Spouse!).
So what am I doing? feeling miserable, as I mentioned. Wishing my life away. Reading old books, and even occasionally recapping them. Kind of trying to get lost there--when you can't stand your present and you can't imagine your future, the past is a good place to escape to.
And I'm doing my usual "pretty good job" of faking my way through life. Some cooking, baking, chores, conversations, and other activities designed to make me look far more functional and normal than I really am.
I don't remember if I mentioned this before, and I can't be bothered to go look. But work is taking one of its periodic stabs at getting me to quit, or kill myself, or something--
Being forced to travel in October. To a frigging place you can barely get in and out of. Completely by myself. A couple of days before my scheduled vacation.
Which, incidentally, included plans for a trip I will not now be able to take, because of the way my company handles travel arrangements. (Basically, I have to pay for plane ticket, hotel, car service, & meals with my credit card, and wait for the company to reimburse me when I come home. Which means maxing out my card right before my vacation. No card? No vacation.) Sorry, Uncle & Auntie! Blame my boss!
For a little added insanity, I'd like to point out that A) I have absolutely no previous experience with the subject of the conference--either the product used by our current system or the one we are moving to. IT ISN'T EVEN HANDLED IN MY OFFICE! And B) I will not, in the future, be having anything to do with the subject.
So that make me the SME on this...HOW?!
I informed them I don't drive, so I am still trying to figure out how I will be managing the two 35-mile trips between airport and destination (to and from on this end will be Spouse's problem, poor baby). Not as worried about while I'm there, I am staying in the same hotel as some other people coming in for the conference. But you know what? I truly don't give a rat's ass.
Because this megaball of bullspit has managed to trigger three anxiety attacks so far. Good old-fashioned PANIC attacks. Complete with racing heart, cold sweats, dizziness, shortness of breath, chest pains, gut cramps, numbness, chills...and that good old "certainty of impending death" that really pulls it all together. This is what happens to me when I have to do this kind of thing. This is how I react. And I can pretty much guarantee you that ANYTHING you force me to travel for (and force is definitely the word--I would never volunteer for this and will weasel out of it given the slightest opportunity) is going to be a huge waste of money, BECAUSE I CAN'T LEARN ANYTHING WHEN I AM PANIC STRICKEN, AND I WILL BE PANIC-STRICKEN THE WHOLE TIME I'M THERE.
And to a certain person who has evidently decided she's my doctor and is going to "cure" me by forcing me to do this? Go die horribly in a bloody and fiery crash, bitch.
BR
When I get back from my trip, I actually do have to go to the office for that one fucking day between business trip and vacation.
Because that day? Is my only possible chance to get the health screening that is NOT mandatory...but IS required in order to secure a reasonable premium on my health insurance. I can't afford not to get that discount.
And, of course, I want to submit my expense report, so I can get reimbursed for all the money I had to front the company. Cheap bastards.
And in other news, I have not had a piece of candy since September 9th. Yup. Trying to get eating habits under controll. And the next step is to cut desserts/baked goods down below 7 times a week. (That's one sweet a day, and that really should be enough for anyone.) This is just one or two things I'm working on, not some huge and overblown master plan of perfection. Because we all know how those work out.
Reading:Hobby--"The Rebellion of Margaret" (1910), by Geraldine Mockler
And I'm doing a run at some Kathleen Norris (the original Kathleen Norris, 1880�1966. Not the poet.). Started with "The Rich Mrs. Burgoyne", which was pretty good. The main character is the daughter of a multimillionaire and a widow with two daughters who moves to a community of fashionable women and turns them on their ears with her notions of sensible, practical, purposeful living. Just finished a short story collection called "Poor, Dear Margaret Kirby" (various dates in the teens) Which has some good stories in it; some are a bit melodramatic, but many of them have a gentle humor that makes them enjoyable.
Norris seems to promote sensible women, and characters who do sensible things, which is very refreshing (useless "Society" women seem to irritate the hell out of her). Like the Duer Miller book, this stuff is a shot in the arm for me after too many period novels with logic-defying heroes and heroines and inexplicable plot twists. I have a couple more on deck: "The Story of Julia Page" (1915) Description from Manybooks: How Julia Page, reared in rather unpromising surroundings, lifted herself through sheer determination to a higher plane of life. Incidentally shows the "double standard" as it is. and "Martie the Unconquered" (1917) Martie, in conflict with her narrow minded father, revolts. She suffers varying degrees of fortune and misfortune and eventually finds herself back in conflict with him. She revolts again and this time moves to New York and finds peace by supporting herself.
General--Still haven't started "The Prince of War" or "The Land of Painted Caves". I just really think I am averse to paper books right now, because of the smoking association. I've been feeling pretty vulnerable to relapse lately.
Listening: Jackson Browne, Foo Fighters, U2, The Kinks
Surfing: Kinda tired of the Internet...
At Random:
click here
|
|