|
navigation
current
archives
links page
profile
|
|
what I have:
September 15, 2011, 4:44 P.M.
ICD-9-CM 296.32: Major depressive affective disorder,
recurrent episode, moderate degree.
What I also have*:
A job that is going to destroy me, because they don't give a rat's ass about
my "296.32".
A husband, ditto.
Friends--so-called--who are far too wrapped up in their own problems to get
too hung up on mine.
A family that can watch and do nothing as one member dies of this fucking
disease, and then turn around and pretend it's not happening all over again.
So I pull in, and try to make my world smaller and more controllable, and fail
miserably at it. I try to disappear into 100-year-old novels, because that
world is simpler and slower and easier to deal with. I cry a lot. I miss my
cigarettes desperately. I'm less hungry but more voracious than ever.
I'm fucking miserable, and I want to die. Don't want to take action and kill
myself--just want it to happen. Just want some deus ex machina to drop a
16-ton weight on me. (But weirdly, although I'm not interested in my life or
my health--I'm protecting the hell out of my quit. Maybe because I am
controlling it? I can't control anything else, but I can control that?)
Ugh. Enough updating. Time to go cry myself to sleep again.
*And a broken clothes dryer. On top of everything else.
Reading:Hobby--all of E.W. Hornung's "Raffles" books. After
finishing "The Amateur Cracksman" (1899), "The Black Mask: Further
Adventures of the Amateur Cracksman" (1901), "A Thief in the Night"
(1904), and "Mr. Justice Raffles" (1909), I have drawn the conclusion than I
don't love Raffles nearly as much as I hate Bunny Manders, who is thick as
two short planks and nursing a huge gay crush on his friend. I'm glad I read
the series, but I don't think it will be worth a re-read at any point.
General--Bought, but not read yet: "The Prince of War: Billy Graham's
Crusade for a Wholly Christian Empire" (2007), by Cecil Bothwell. Looks
like an informative and interesting exposure of a charlatan with a dark
agenda.
Also bought, but not yet read: the last of Jean Auel's "Earth's Children"
series; "The Land of Painted Caves" (2011). To be honest, I am not even
very much into reading this. But hey--when you have somewhere around thirty years invested in a series, you can't blow the damned thing off at the last book.
Plus, I feel like I owe it my dear, departed
Mum to finish it out. She was more into it than I ever was, but
circumstances took her mind and her life in the nine years between book five and book six.
It's a big heavy hardcover BOOK book, which is part of why I'm reluctant
to undertake it. I, along with my screwed up wrists & hands, have gotten quite out of the notion of big heavy bricks of paper. Plus, paper books make me want to smoke in a way that my e-reader doesn't.
Listening: Foster the People, They Might Be Giants, Led Zeppelin (ugh.
but they were on my morning station.), Natalie Merchant
Surfing:
At Random:
click here
|
|