image problem
September 03, 2008

I don�t like having my picture taken. It really bothers me. Even the pictures for my driver�s license and work ID caused a ridiculous amount of dread and repulsion. I�ve pretty much always dealt with it by taking the "Be the one with the camera, and you don�t have to be in the pictures" approach, and gotten away with it. But once in a while somebody in my life will realize they don�t have any pictures of me, and ask me why. Well, whether or not I choose to blow them off, or to be honest with them, I�m more or less forced to confront my fucked up psyche.

On the surface, it seems pretty obvious. Big shock, right? The fat broad avoids getting her photo snapped. Hardly a unique situation.
But the thing is, it can�t be said to be a strictly weight-related one.
Long before puberty turned me from a skinny-ass tomboy to a fat chick, I acquired my loathing for being photographed from my (skeletally thin) grandmother and my (absolutely gorgeous) mom.

They both absolutely hated having their picture taken, and they heavily criticized every school photo ever taken of me. Uncombed hair. Untidy clothes. Missing tooth. Scab on nose. Not smiling. Not smiling correctly (too "goofy"). Bad posture. Oh, they could come up with any number of reasons why I was an epic failure at being photographed.
And I absorbed that. All too well. But I�ve been starting to try get over it.

It's hard, though. A recent example:
I was having so much fun at the Harley-Davidson museum this past weekend, my husband decided to take a picture of me enjoying myself.
And that simple experience screwed me over three different ways.

1) As soon as he grabbed the camera; I started to feel panicky, because he wanted to aim it at me.
2) I had to battle with myself to look at it, and battle with myself not to delete it off the memory card.
3) After he took it, I was no fun for the rest of the day�headachy, tired, and cranky.

But I didn't delete it. And I did look at it. So that's at least a partial win. I still need to work on the whole panic attack thing, and the �one photo kills a good time dead� bullshit. But I keep trying. I�m trying right now to work up the oomph to get it up on flickr, and to actually publish the link. That would be a solid victory, I think.

Maybe tomorrow.